Goodbye 2013

It's December. 12 months has gone by so fast, and I'm sitting here... Reflecting.

I am blown away by God's goodness.

In every single disappointment that has come my way this year, I look back and I see God's fingerprints over every single situation. He knew each of my sorrows, recorded my wanderings- He listed my tears in His scroll, collected them in His bottle. He saw every single tear shed. Each salty droplet that slid down my cheek, He took.

"Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?" -Psalm 56:8

There's no one more steadfast than Him.

When I placed my value in successes and failures, I spent my days walking on the route of a roller-coaster, and spent the nights sicking up a mix of insecurity, doubts, and the hounding fear of never reaching 'the mark'. The mark of what? Success? What defines success, anyway? I hardly even knew. I just didn't want to fall. But the nausea that came from eating the things of the world was starved away by partaking in the bread of life. The world and its things will pass away, but those who remain in His will abideth forever.

"And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever." -1 John 2:17

"You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways" Psalm 139:3

You are familiar with all my ways

and the Bible is the Word
and the Word is God
and God is Truth
and so that must be

Truth
that you are familiar with all my ways
and nit-pickings, and tastes, and days

so i can suppose that You;

know my favourite colours
the shirts i will pick out even before i do
know my favourite foods
and that carrots are not what i like
know my fingernails to the very core
deeper than what i bite

(the protein that is keratin
that is amino acids
that is carbon, and hydrogen, and nitrogen, and oxygen
and the touch of Majesty)

i suppose that You already know
the patterns that appear on my tongue
even before the papillae reform and move again
and that i am slightly colour-challenged
between the colours green and blue

You knew me before i was
and it pleased You to form me
and so i must believe that You are not surprised

by my failings and scrapings and crumpled emotions
because You knew what You were getting into
because You said i was worth it anyway

and You know all my ways

Let His Love and Glory Flood In (Breakers Will Crash)

Breakers will crash upon the shore
And sweep away the empty bottles littered on the sand


Empty bottles once filled with

Sweet words, kind touches, soft breaths

Alluring whispers, teasing murmurs, innocence's death


(evaporates
leaves behind emptiness
like all the promises once made)



Breakers will crash upon the shore
And with its tide displace shards of glass buried deep beneath, in between


Glass shattered by the blows of the world -

All that glitters is not gold

fall upon them, bleed upon them



Breakers will crash upon the shore
And blot away words written, soak through the papers, rinsing through the papercuts


Stained papers crumpled, torn

Shame writ; sorrow, misery

The pain of rejection stapled through the pages

Bound by plastic spirals of

the endless cycle of worthlessness



Swept away by the waves of His grace
There will be no other recycling
Than the exchange of our litter for His treasure
When His Love and His Glory floods in

"When it’s hardest to love, humble yourself." —James MacDonald

God answered my prayers, yet again, in ways I did not expect. This is the nature of God - that He is infinitely wise. Hence the way He answers our prayers are in His infinite wisdom, because He sees the entire picture when we do not, and He knows the best way to answer our prayers for the sake of our good and for the glory of His praise. We don't see what He sees, until He does it, and we look back and say, Oh. He was working for my good all this time, even when I did not make the best choices.

Recently, thoughts contrary to His nature has been amplified all the more in my life. It's as though a switch was flicked on and made me conscious of whenever I began going the path of Envy. Jealousy. Covetousness. Self-entitlement. Judgmentalism. Pride. This past week, I am troubled and, honestly, horrified at how much 'self' I have in me. How much I actually judge, even if they are just fleeting thoughts in my head. How much pride there actually is in me that I disregard. The awareness of the battle between holiness and fleshly self has been magnified so much more that I find myself asking, what's up with this, God?

And He reminded me. What have I been praying for?

I forgot my prayers, but He remembered. Now I recall, eyes shut, hands clasped, praying in earnest for humility and the stripping away of pride. I asked Him to remind me and make me aware of when I was being prideful.

God did exactly that. It's a reminder that although I forget my prayers, God hears every single prayer His children utter and He does not forget. He made me aware of the pride that was still in me. Made me realise that before He could make me humble, He had to awaken myself to my need for humility. A comparison between ego and true humility. And I am brought to the realisation that I am so much more in need of His grace. Truly, I am nothing without His cleansing blood. All that is good in me is because of who He is and His goodness in me.




I have such a long way to go on this journey. So much to learn. So much to experience. So much to understand.
It will be uncomfortable and painful at times, just as this last week has been. Many times, it will be worst. I will not understand. I will not be able to apprehend. I will be left with - my identity in Him. My refuge in Him. My shelter under His wings. I will be left with - trust in the hands of an infinitely wise God that will work all things out for my good & His glory.

Thoughts 05/10/2013

It really makes me sad when I see people looking down on themselves. When they feel like they aren't good enough to achieve things, or do better than where they are now. When they demean themselves and lower down their expectations of themselves. God created each and every child of His for a purpose and for great reasons. He loves us so, so much. My heart hurts when people live in fear and insecurity, for I was once also chained down and the weight of those burdens are horrifyingly, miserably, heavy. I am righteously angry for the hold Satan has on their lives. Satan always works through our fears. He always plays with our doubts and insecurities and expands them so that it dims out the truth of God. And most of the time, I feel helpless because all I can do is pray for those that I see hurting and living in deception. But I know that although my prayer is small, it is heard by the God who is great. I want to see the lives of my friends free from the lies of the enemy, free from fear, free from deception. I want to see them live in truth and freedom. My heart hurts for the hurting, and I know only God can set them free.

He's Your Absolute Only Hope

You have a hunger deep inside you for things you can’t quite seem to satisfy. The reason I know this is true about you is that it’s true about me as well. It’s true about everyone around you, even that person who seems like they have it all together. No matter who you are, you’re hungry, and no matter what you do to try and fill up, the hunger always comes back.

You’re hungry for acceptance. You’re hungry for worth. You’re hungry for love. You want to be wanted. You want to be special. You want people to miss you when you’re gone and you want the room to go crazy when you finally show up. You’re hungry for a life where your needs are met and things around you are stable, steady and peaceful. You want to know where that next meal is coming from and you don’t want to have to be afraid about that. There are so many things you’re hungry for and the problem is that no matter what you do to fill up, it only works for a little while before the hunger comes back.

Having great friends feels awesome and it seems to fill you up. Being in love is intoxicating and really seems to work to satisfy that hunger. Having lots of money or a great job feels good and kinda works. Getting the grades, making the team, winning the game, getting the guy or girl, accomplishing your dreams - these all feel so good and they feel like they work to fill us up and tell us who we are, but then something terrible happens.

We get hungry again. We don’t fill up as easily as before. We need more this time. Friends let you down, love grows cold, there’s a bad breakup, the economy crashes, you get fired, you get hurt, you fail a test, you lose a game, your dream dies. Who are you now? What do you do when you’re hungry? Where can you go? Your heart has a seemingly insatiable need to be filled with love and worth and so many other things. Where can you fill up forever?

Did you know that the miracle of Jesus feeding the five thousand is the only one that is recorded in all four of the Gospels? Matthew, Mark, Luke and John all tell us about different miracles, but this is the only one they all mention. It’s extremely important. It’s vital. There’s something going on here that we must understand. One really weird thing about this story is that even though all the Gospels talk about it, none of them explain exactly how Jesus multiplied that one little lunch to feed thousands. How did He do it? What did it look like?

That’s something we want to know, but they don’t tell us, and I think there’s a good reason for that. If they told us how Jesus did this, we would try to replicate it ourselves. We would try to repeat it, bottle it up and sell it, but we can’t. We can’t understand what Jesus did that day. We are all desperately hungry and we need to be filled, but we can’t do anything about it on our own. Only Jesus can fill us up and I can’t even tell you how He does it. The only thing I know is that He fills me up and I need to go to Him every time to get what I need. You can’t feed yourself and nothing you try to do will ever satisfy your hunger, but Jesus can miraculously and eternally give you what you really need.

{LeeYounger} / {Photo}

Searching for Intimacy {Part I}

I have fallen and come up short, stumbled in darkness and came face to face with brick walls in an effort to find intimacy. I have been searching for intimacy; no, not love, but intimacy. If I were searching for love, I would have found it. Love found in friendships and family and even in wagging tails and slobbering tongues; musty, wet, fur. Love found in material things and passionate hobbies and words. There can be love - but it was all surface level love, conditional,  unable to fulfill fully - I was looking for something deeper.

There is a desire in each of us to connect. A desire to become as one, a longing that precedes words. The moment when Tarzan lifted his hand and Jane's palm connected. After a lifetime of living as that one difference in his world, he found his place. He found his connection. He found where he belonged.

I lifted my heart in the attempt to find something else that would come and fit perfectly.

In Biology, we learn about enzyme-substrate complexes. An enzyme has an active site with a 3-dimensional shape that is specific to a substrate. Only a substrate with a shape that complements the shape of the active site can fit and bind and form products.

In Biology, we also learn about non-competitive inhibitors. An enzyme also has a site away from the active site, called an allosteric site. When a molecule with a shape that complements the allosteric sites shape comes and binds to it, the shape of the enzyme changes and the substrate that used to be able to fit into the active site can no longer fit.

We are made for intimacy for God. There is something in our hearts, a shape of emptiness that can only be fulfilled by the perfect fit of His Love. But we go after other things that contain whispers of that love. It's not what we need. It can't fulfill us. When we bind ourselves to it, our understanding becomes distorted and our heart cannot fully receive what we were meant to receive.

I searched high and low for the longest of times. Places I should have never been. I scraped my knees and tore at my elbows and broke my heart, but forgot to turn to the One who first placed that desire in me. Instead I turned my back and tried to water my soul, cause it to bloom, with the dregs of the world. Yet I was never truly satisfied, and so I kept going. Binge eating on love. Vomiting it back out, left my heart feeling sicker. Aching.

I was helpless.

He found me.

15/09/2013

It's surprising how much you are changing from day to day. And we don't really realise it until we have something to measure it by. I had a 40 day fast from Twitter which ended today. The start of the fast, was me then. The end of the fast, was me today. And in between - 40 days of me living life day to day. I look back to the first day of the fast and I look at me today, and I realise I have taken several steps backwards and even more steps forward. I have grown in a span of forty days which amazes me. Do not think that you are not moving from day to day, do not assume that you are at a standstill, even when you're in between a rock and a hard place. A flower still blooms when it is watered and given nutrients though it is planted on sand.

Marking the stretches, stretching the marks

In my previous post, I wrote about the stretching of my heart. Of wanting my heart to be covered in stretch marks. When I first read that quote, it struck something in me. What am I doing with my heart? Am I loving enough? Giving enough? Spreading the arms of my heart wide enough? And so I thought about that - and I wrote. Wrote about wanting to love so greatly. So widely. So deeply. So unmitigatedly. Consummately. That my heart would be covered in stretch marks.

And last night as I was praying for the people around me, in my school. I felt something pour into my heart, and my heart felt like it was being stretched. Literally stretched to fullness, not just some spiritual metaphor - It was as if a passion and burden were filling my heart up that it was being stretched to its small capacity, trying to expand even greater. And you know what? It was uncomfortable. Painful, even. It was like my confined and restricted heart was a small balloon in my chest being blown up and pushed to the limit of its skin.

God showed me that He hears and sees all that I desire. All my resolutions and vows and commitments, and He takes them seriously. In this case, He did something literal while I was still thinking figuratively; He showed me that if I wanted my heart to grow in Love, it would not be something comfortable. It would be painful and uncomfortable and would bring me to my knees, crying out before Him. It would be the pounding and hammering of my chest as it expands to accomodate Glory, being shaped by the Master Potter Himself. It would be the fiery flames burning, purifying carbon to diamond, silver to gold. It would be the small balloon being replaced by an ever-increasing molten heart, blown bigger and bigger by the very Spirit and breath of God - I asked for stretch marks, now am I willing to pay the sacrifice for them?

The pain of growth, it is uncomfortable to the core. Being pushed, broken, tearing away of the old seed skin.

But the end result will be a heart filled with stretch marks, brimming with love and humility and glorious beauty. Stretched with praise and honor and holiness. Marked by the very hands of God. Stretched by the very marks of God.

“In the end / I want my heart / to be covered in stretch marks.” —Andrea Gibson

We are a generation of hyperboles. Big, bigger, biggest - brobdingnagian! Great, greater greatest - gigantuous! Huge, huger, hugest - humongous!


Our exclamations have gotten bigger

To fit the expanding of our wandering heart.



"There's nothing uglier than the first week of school handwriting."

"It was, literally, the largest sandwich in existence."

"I think I'm going to die if I hear her talk one more time."



There are poems about

How a wanderlusting heart would travel millions of miles in her sleep

Crawl through the oceans of her dreams

Break her bones to dust, shed her skin as she spirals against gravity

To reach the face of the moon where her lovers kiss awaits


There are love songs about

How he would burn

Against a hundred blazing suns

Against the objections of a thousand

Against a million miles of separation,

Combust as he tears and pulls at the layers of atmosphere

To reach the soil of the earth where his lovers feet have planted

Even if he himself were burnt to ashes




An awakening has begun -

Hearts are expanding, trying to grasp the edges of something greater

Trying to tug glory they do not know down to earthly limits

Trying to heighten itself to

Satisfaction?

Nirvana?

The highest level of being?

I think the answer is

A hyperbole of the soul.




I want to transfer my love

Into hyperbolic expressions of love for Love Himself -

Spread my heart out so big

So wide, embrace beauty in the big

The small, the dirty, the broken

Want to love stars heading for black holes back into existence



I want to transform my hyperbolic exclamations of delight in this world

Into a whirling tornado of exaltation for the Exalted

Into every single raindrop that touches the face of the earth, worship

Into the very vibrations of my soundbox, praise

Into my heart,

Truth.



“In the end
I want my heart
to be covered in stretch marks.”

"August rushes by like desert rainfall, a flood of frenzied upheaval - Expected, but still catching me unprepared."

August has been exciting! I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone and done many things I have never, ever, ever imagined I would attempt to do (and succeed at!) in my life.

First up is the trip to Bako National Park. Apparently it’s one of the must-see things here in my state (or country?) and I’m ashamed to say I’ve never been there. Till now that is, haha. It’s one of the few places where you can get many different kinds of ecosystems all in one place, which is why we had our A-Levels field trip there since it was relevant to the Geography, Biology and Economics subjects (And each of us takes at least one of those subjects).

It was a jungle trekking trip, and first we had a boat ride to the trek place and had a ‘leisure’ trek around to see the animals and plants! 

Poisonous pit viper! Gorgeous colour and markings. God is such an artist.

And wild boars that were surprisingly tame. I guess about God being an artist, every artist makes mistakes sometimes... HA, kidding. God doesn't make mistakes and the boars were pretty cute when they slept in the sun. Saw one of the hotel residents pet a wild boar, and the boar rolled over on his back for the man to rub his belly. 

"Naughty monkeys around watch out"

The naughty monkeys. They've learnt to recognise plastic bags as having food in them so we were warned not to carry any plastic bags around because they would steal it. And apparently for all their cuteness, they're also quite aggresive and we were told not to make eye contact with them because they see it as a challenge and might attack us :(

 After the first trek, we went up another much harder trek to see the kerangas forest area. Kerangas means ‘land which cannot grow rice’ and it’s called a ‘heath forest’ in English, growing on acidic and sandy soil.

Up on the kerangas area. 

There was a plateau of limestone. Pretty exciting for me, because this is what I've learnt in Geography! The erosion of limestone and development of clints and grykes... Yeah, I'll stop now. My nerd is showing.

Then the tour guide brought us all the way down again…… To see a branch of tongkat ali OH MY GOSH. We were all like groaning and face-palming at that time but now when I look back, it’s pretty funny that he made us trek all the way back down just to see a small branch. (Tongkat Ali is used as an aphrodisiac. Some jokes were made about nibbling on the branch so that some of us could have extra energy for the next trek, haha!)

So after poking the branch, we went up again on yet another trek up and down to the shore for the boat ride back to the counter, and to see the famous sea stacks along the boat ride. 

There's my super cool Geography teacher crouching there taking pictures of the scenery. She's from Cornwall, England, and she's a huge, huge, huge lover of nature. Always going on about saving nature and animals, but the amount of paper she uses sometimes for her lessons is ridiculous...

Lovely scenery along the boat ride

Sea stacks! This is the most famous one, it's in the shape of a cobra head.

Next up was the 4 days, 3 nights International Awards camp at Permai! Now this was quite possibly the most challenging thing I’ve ever done in my life. Aside from swimming coaching back when I was much younger, the only physical activity I’ve been doing the past few years were… Uh… Climbing up the stairs in school, probably. Okay, maybe not that bad, but I’m not exactly the fittest person out there (Although I have been making an effort to work out the past few months :D).

The first day was pretty relaxed, unpacking in the cabins and a few team-building games. One of the games was to scale up a huge wall with only our body parts to aid us, no rope or ladders or anything! But we did it cause we had strong guys that climbed to the top first to help pull us up and more strong guys at the bottom to help carry us up on their shoulders. Poor guys with their aching limbs after that, but they were all macho and all that and said they were fine. Right. 

Anyhoo, the next activity was trekking through a part of the jungle blindfolded with only a rope, one single guide at the front of the line, and the voices of our other (blindfolded) friends to help us. It was pretty scary because you couldn’t see anything, and irritating at the same time because I kept getting whacked by branches, haha.

The 3 girls cabins, side by side

The second day we had to do one of the most terrifying things ever – high ropes. Basically walking on scary trapeze rope thingies that belong in the circuses with safety nets and skilled tightrope walkers! Looking at the ropes, it didn’t look that scary… Watching the lady in charge walk through it, she made it seem pretty easy… Uh, yeah, I was totally wrong. It was the most terrifying, horrifying, pants-wetting, petrifying thing I have ever had to do in my life. 

Who needs horror movies. And those who are saying this photo doesn't look that scary, it's just the stairs going up to the flying fox for the instructor to use okay! I couldn't get a good picture of the ropes because it all looks like jungle.

Just imagine. You’re afraid of heights. You’re afraid of falling to your death (hello, no safety nets, other than a wobbly harness whereby if you fall, you basically have to climb back up yourself up unto whatever rope obstacle you’re on). You have an extremely limited sense of balance (Read: Major klutz). And you have 7 different rope obstacle challenges to go through like I don’t even know how many feet up into the air before screaming down the flying fox.

I don’t know how I did it, but thank Jesus I got through it. Although I pretty much nearly cried on one of the challenges where I had to change logs midway and the logs were shaking like mad (from my fear and a sudden wind blowing). At least now I can say I’ve walked on a single rope up in the air like those cool circus people. Even though I was totally not cool. Like, awkward white guy dancing in a club not cool. 

Random picture of nature for your viewing pleasure

We were supposed to go kayaking in the afternoon, but the weather wasn’t looking good and the instructors were afraid the winds might make it too difficult to kayak, so we boogie-boarded and body-surfed the waves with life jackets on instead. It was super fun, I’ve always loved being in the water and doing water sports, so this was one of the best experiences in camp for me :D (Putting aside the sand in my pants..)

At night we did a night trek in the jungle (Another trek!) to see glowing fungi and mushrooms. It was weird. Like halfway through the trek we’d be told to switch off all our torches and we’d be in pitch darkness with the noises of the jungle all around us. We’d take some time to readjust our eyes to the darkness, and then we’d see small spots of green glowing things around us. It was totally weird, in a cool way. And when we switched the torches back on, the places where the glowing things were were super inconspicuous, like just brown mud or bark. Pretty cool.

The third day was filled with the most ridiculous and insane activity I have ever done in my life - if the high ropes was the most terrifying, this was definitely the most insane - climbing Mount Santubong.

It was super tough, super tiring, & challenging. The only mountain I've ever climbed before was Mount Singai, and that's not really a challenge to get to the top. There were rope ladders at nearly 90 degree inclines and nearing the top we basically had to climb like monkeys using our hands and feet. A third of the journey up I was so ready to give up, even the scary PE teacher that came along couldn't motivate/threaten me to continue. Until a classmate of mine who's been poking me the entire year (I am really ticklish!) said, "Hannah. If you climb all the way to the top... I'll stop poking you for the rest of the year."

Man. I don't even know where all the energy came from - it was like the instant effects of 10 red bull's in a second. I climbed up that mountain so fast I could have put monkeys to shame.

The view at the top. For all my sweat and tears and blood (Okay maybe not), this is what I get?! Okay yeah, maybe the satisfaction of climbing a 3km+ trek up a mountain makes it a little bit sweeter...

Going back down was fun! If someone could fly me up to the top and drop me off, I'd willingly trek down again.

This is the jungle pool where we cooled off our aching muscles! I'm not in the photo. The pool is divided into two sides, the side on the right is filled with fresh water coming down from the upper rivers. It has small fish in it! And the one on the left is filled with rainwater :) Its really, really, really cold and in the morning it's really clear. (Lets try not to think what it means when it becomes murky in the late afternoon.)

We had a campfire on the beach that night. There's Wee Yang doing his ridiculous fire dance. Until a few minutes later it started pouring like mad. 

Yeah, totally not his fault. 

Last photo with Grrrraaaccceeeeee mah super quiet classmate, super sweet friend! I got so brown after kayaking on the fourth day! Kayaking was great, and we got to play in the sea a lot. So we went home exhausted but really happy. :)

Back home back to homework! 

Exams in about 3 weeks! 

See you chicas soon. :)

An anchor for my soul.

May & June have passed by so fast I can hardly keep track of what's been going on. School has been busy, stressful, frustrating - and a constant reminder that nothing is constant except He who is and always will be.

Life has been, well, life. With its ups and downs, and if you're like me, mostly downs. It gets pretty easy to fall into self pity and all that sadness and negative feelings until you forget the good things. Or maybe something really good happens and you're pretty happy for a while till the next bad situation knocks you off your feet again.

It's a cycle I've been going through. Until one night, God lit the bulb in my mind again and made me realise that, no, I can't live my life based on my emotions. I can't judge the quality of my day based on how many good feelings I got that day, or the worth of my life on the number of better experiences outweighing the bad. I can't say, "Oh, today was a good day," because I passed my test, or "Man, today was a horrible day," because I didn't. I shouldn't.

Because my life is not dependent on my emotions. My life is not the sum of my feelings. My life is not a reflection of good experiences vs. bad experiences.

My life is dependent on Christ who is Constant. My life is the sum of His overwhelming Grace and Mercy. My life is a reflection of His Spirit shining brighter than the darkness.


If I live day-to-day with only my emotions as my guideline on how 'good' or 'bad' my day was, I am going to end that day feeling defeated, depressed, down-hearted, and unworthy. I am going to feel like who I am is not good enough and that my best will always be less. This is because emotions are fickle things. You'll go from one end to another end to another end, it's a rollercoaster that leaves you feeling sick. You can't depend on it. You can't rely on it to lead you. You most certainly can't live your life by it.

If I live day-to-day with the knowledge and knowing deep down inside, and truly, truly, truly, holding fast to the Truth that God is absolutely constant in my life - The day has already been won and claimed for Christ. The day is already filled with security and peace and a steadfast anchor of hope. He is the one true constant and there is no other that can grant you the security & peace like He can when you know that He is the lifeline you are holding on to, and He unto you.


It's beautiful. It's heart-warming. It's what wraps like a warm blanket around you letting you know that you are loved, and safe, and secure, and in the palm of His hands. It's Jesus.

That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord, he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

Being Asian, or maybe even just being humans, we have this disease of comparison. Comparison between us and another person that we deem better than us, be it in terms of looks, riches/material wealth, intelligence, charisma or basically anything that we nitpick about ourselves. Comparison comes from looking at our own selves and not being satisfied, evaluating who we are and saying, why am I this way? Look at so-and-so, her beauty/his smartness/her wealth/his personal relations skills, look at me and see how drab I am. How dumb I am. How ugly I am. How useless I am at entering a club and saying whaddup I got a big block. Of cheese. (Anyone get that reference to the song? No....? Nevermind. I'm pretty used to the sound of crickets in the background whenever I attempt to crack a joke. That's why I'd rather cracks eggs. Kidding. There goes the cricket sounds again.)

Back to the point. Do we even realise how blessed we are? I'm assuming that if you're reading this, you come from at least a middle-class income family. We aren't poor. We aren't starving. We aren't struggling to live day by day. But we continue to look at the many trivial things that we aren't getting, and covet them.

An hour ago, I was sitting at my study desk and looking at all the things I have to study for my upcoming exam. And because I'm honest, I'll let you know that I was grouching and feeling frustrated over the fact that there are just some people who hardly even need to try in their studies, but still manage to crank out straight A's. Yeah, there are several in my class, and I was pretty upset because, you know, it just isn't fair. But then came the heavenly kick from above and like a cloud of angelic bricks dropping on my head, and it occurred to me - Why do I even have the gall to compare? Who am I to look at God's creations, and in the same way look at what God Himself has decided to do, and actually question it? How big is my understanding, how much importance do I actually have, that I am telling Him that His logic is screwed up and that other person doesn't deserve it yet I somehow do? And yeah, God flicked my forehead and reminded me that I've got so much to be thankful for. I've been blessed by Him in His special way.

We've all been blessed in one way or another, some with a greater measure of a certain kind of blessing, and some with less, but God always, always blesses. We're just too caught up in our ways of comparison. Lets put aside all our covetousness and take an honest look at our lives. And be grateful for the person we have been made as. Realise that every good thing we have is a blessing.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like the shifting shadows." (James 1:17)

I’ve been searching for something ethereal. Something beautiful. Something meaningful.

I want to see the stars in their eyes and map the constellations as I stare and trace stardust on their skin. To feel the echo of their thoughts, like a bell tolling; sounds filling the empty corridors of crumbling buildings and knocking on ancient rusted doors no one has stumbled upon. Or dared to open. Or thought of as treasure. To press my ears against their throat and sense the quiet passion rushing through their blood, hidden beneath skin, roaring wonders louder than thundering seas.

I want to run my fingers through and hold on to their quiet breaths and feel my soul connect in something so tangible; wrap the wisps of my being around their spine, the backbone of who they are. I want to be one with their understanding and fall in unison with the prickles of their skin, wind brushing over goosebumps, as they run like shadows across the tailcoats of the Universe.

I am searching -
Connection. Substance. Heart.

Like an ocean with its breakers calmly crashing upon the shore, I am searching for deeper depths.

I want to drown in their ocean.

Going into the 4th month

It's always that period after you get your exam results, where every single person you meet (that are aware you've just gotten your results) asks you, "So.... What are you planning to do now?" or "Where are you going to go study?" or "Applied for any scholarships yet?" or "Going to India like your brother?!". Okay, the last question I don't get that often, but when I do, they're mostly joking. I hope.

I'm doing my A Levels right now, or whatyoucallits Sixth Form/Year 12. What I can say is that the gap between high school and Year 12 is pretty big. Not exactly in terms of knowledge, but just generally the whole package. The way to study, the way to answer the exam questions, the way everything works. I mean, high school didn't prepare me for this (high school taught me how to memorise chunks of information and then regurgitate them out on paper again). It took me a while, but I got used to it. Also, I dropped Physics around the beginning of the 3rd month and took up Geography. I don't know exactly how wise I was to do it in terms of my future course options, all I knew was that I really didn't like Physics and I've wanted to take up Geography since the beginning but I didn't because, well, kiasu Chinese gotta take up all the science subjects! I'm happy with my subjects now, the feeling of not dreading to go to certain Physics classes is really liberating.

I didn't apply for any scholarships because I couldn't find any that was related to what I was interested in doing in the future. There were plenty for engineering but since I dropped Physics... Not really any option. It is a little worrisome (Okay... a lot worrisome) thinking about my future. What do I do, where do I go, how will I get there? It's times like this that I can't imagine what I would do without God. I was born a worrywart. Not the anxiety/panic-attacks kind of thing, but I worry and think about worst-case scenarios and how I'm gonna get through them. With Jesus, I can find real freedom and a security that I am in Him and He is in me. There's a plan set out in my life, I can hold His hand and trust in Him. This doesn't mean that I'm suddenly worry-free, but it's a constant surrendering I have to remind myself of.

Tania came back for a week with a little gift for me. What a sweetie.

I got a new desk as well, my old one was in really bad condition (I inherited it from my genius brother who apparently thought it was a good idea to use a penknife to cut paper on the desk without protecting the surface first!), it's really relieving to finally be able to write on a desk without having to place something underneath my paper. There's my schedule, I don't have classes during certain times which makes transport home a real pain, but I think God has answered my prayers about that which I'll share another time perhaps. I love my Fridays! Classes from 9am till 12pm, and I'm home bound! 

April has arrived really fast. This year is passing by so quickly, in a months time I'll have my first internals, and in another few months, my first set of A Level externals. It's rather terrifying, but when I think about how He's with me every step of the way, my perspective changes and now it's terrifyingly exciting. Hoping, praying, that April will be a month of learning new things, both educational and spiritual, and growing even more (hopefully not my waistband, been eating too much these few weeks).

White hair, freckled hands

I’ve been thinking about my grandparents lately. About how they’re getting older and not a day younger. About how they’ve been living day-to-day together in that small house tucked along a small road in a small side of town, quiet and peaceful with their neighbours on the right with the ridiculous amounts of cats.

The neighbour on the left has moved away a long, long time ago and now it’s left mostly empty except for the few times it’s been rented off - A few weeks later, it’s empty again. I remember being very young and trying to jump up to see above the white wall dividing my grandparents’ house into that house, but failing. Now I am older and I walk past that wall and look into their compound I tried so hard to see so many years ago, and I am assaulted by the memories of my grandmother laughing as she rubbed my head because I knocked it on the metal box stuck on the wall while I tried to jump. I was wearing blue and I tried to be brave and not cry, but I remember the bump on my head and her laughter and her hands soothing away my pain.

I remember Chinese New Year many, many years ago when we had to wake up early in the morning to go to their house and wish them lunar blessings because my grandpa would be upset if we arrived too late. Now, he tells us to come a bit later, and not so early, please, because they are tired and need their sleep. (I am afraid that one day, they will sleep and never wake up.)

My grandpa, with his full head of wavy hair, now streaked with gray and white; his hands, dry and wrinkled, and speckled with dark brown sunspots, holds my face as he plants two wet kisses on my cheeks. He is getting much older now, and his mind runs away at times, moving faster backwards. He tells me tales of long past, of his adventures during the second world war, the hard times he and his friends went through. Of a tale involving a hill, an egg, and how they tried to boil it without water. Of how he met a beautiful lady (my grandma) and she would pick sweet potatoes from the ground and that was all they had to eat for weeks. And how when the war was over, he would go off to town with my grandma and they would attend parties, and ballroom dance throughout the night. He was the perfect gentleman (When I look through his old photo albums, he is surrounded by women, and he is smiling dashingly amidst them). He brought my grandma on a world tour. There is a picture of them together in Paris, tucked away in a dusty album. I sneezed and somehow my eyes were wet (perhaps it was the dust).

He recalls the past in clear detail, but at times, he forgets my name. He forgets my mothers name. But he still wears his marriage ring faithfully, everyday.

My grandma, with her head full of white curls, she does not talk much, not as much as my grandpa. But whenever my brother drops by, she cooks his favourite salted vegetables with fat pork. During family reunion dinners, she cooks the mixed vegetable and black bean dish, because it is my favourite. And when my sister stays over during the day because we are all not around, she cooks the chicken and potato soup which my sister loves. She does not say much, but she shows much. She is getting much older now, and her hand shakes, and she cannot do as much as she used to - but she still does as much as she can. Now she is in charge of the household necessities because my grandpa is getting forgetful and his mind runs away at times, and she has to shout a little louder for him to hear because he is getting deaf, and the curry powder and ginger biscuit business that they started together has to stop because their hands are a little shaky and memories a little blur.

She recalls the recipes in clear detail, but at times, her hands fail to follow. But she still wears her marriage ring faithfully, everyday.

For better or for worse, their vows remain on their fingers.

And now whenever my mum drops by their house, I follow. And when I leave, I wrap my arms around them and give them a kiss on the cheek. I think it surprises them, because I've never been one to show my affection that way, but somehow I'm learning that I don't quite mind.

Because I’ve been thinking about my grandparents lately.
About how they’re getting older,
and not a day younger,
and maybe one day I won’t be able to see them anymore.



(Maybe I’ll drop by their house and bring along a can of coke, because that’s what my grandma loves, and maybe I’ll stay around for a while and listen to my grandpas tales of long ago, because that’s all he can really remember nowadays.)

It turns out procrastination is not typically a function of laziness, apathy or work ethic as it is often regarded to be. It’s a neurotic self-defense behavior that develops to protect a person’s sense of self-worth.

You see, procrastinators tend to be people who have, for whatever reason, developed to perceive an unusually strong association between their performance and their value as a person. This makes failure or criticism disproportionately painful, which leads naturally to hesitancy when it comes to the prospect of doing anything that reflects their ability — which is pretty much everything.

But in real life, you can’t avoid doing things. We have to earn a living, do our taxes, have difficult conversations sometimes. Human life requires confronting uncertainty and risk, so pressure mounts. Procrastination gives a person a temporary hit of relief from this pressure of “having to do” things, which is a self-rewarding behavior. So it continues and becomes the normal way to respond to these pressures.

Particularly prone to serious procrastination problems are children who grew up with unusually high expectations placed on them. Their older siblings may have been high achievers, leaving big shoes to fill, or their parents may have had neurotic and inhuman expectations of their own, or else they exhibited exceptional talents early on, and thereafter “average” performances were met with concern and suspicion from parents and teachers.

David Cain, “Procrastination Is Not Laziness”

What do you think? I find this sort-of true. In a way, I can see where the author is coming from. That article/blogpost rather hits home though. "A procrastinator becomes disproportionately motivated by the pain of failure. So when you consider taking anything on, the promise of praise or benefit from doing something right are overshadowed by the (disproportionately greater) threat of getting something wrong. Growing up under such high expectations, people learn to associate imperfection or criticism with outright failure, and failure with personal inadequacy." Oh yeah, I be seein' myself in those few sentences right there...

Haha. Well, studying all these new things in a new environment with new incredibly smart people around me can be quite a kick in the backside. About how much I really don't know and how much God's grace & favour is needed in this ridiculously competitive world. I've got so much to learn.

On another hand, I got straight A's for my SPM results (4A+, 5A, 1A-) and I'm pretty happy with it. Although I'll be honest and say I was expecting a few more A+'s in the subjects that I got an A in, it's alright :) That's one part of my life done with. On to the next chapter!

“February, when the days of winter seem endless and no amount of wistful recollecting can bring back any air of summer.”

Chinese New Year 2013

A cute snake from IKEA in one of the houses visited

Tania's 

My adorable nephew, Declan

Barley / Apple-pear-carrot fruit juice as a break from the ridiculous amounts of carbonated drinks consumed during New Year visiting

And a cat with the stereotypical fishbone! 

A drink with friends

And a day spent with the family around town

Grandmas hands

February started of jolly enough, but up came several big bumps along the road

I seemed to keep falling and the weather cried along

The end of New Year

'An elephant never forgets'

More food

And a lesson in Hope.

Thank you, February

for being stormy enough to open my eyes 

to God's mercy in the midst of it all

and a Hope that lasts when my strength cannot.

Here's to March.