tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70398936609891070312024-03-14T12:06:05.623+08:00Show me the wonders of Your great lovekeep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings {psalms 17:8}Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.comBlogger465125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-2657031145371107652016-01-15T17:54:00.000+08:002016-01-15T17:54:41.239+08:0015/01/2016 Growing Painsi forgot how much growth hurts and how it causes a deep, throbbing ache inside, and how much it unsettles everything i thought i knew.<br />
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because when i prayed for growth, i forgot that the most growth comes through pain and disappointment and failure.<br />
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so now-<br />
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i’m waiting for the winds to settle down so all the broken, unsettled, haphazard pieces can be picked up and rearranged once again.<br />
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because maybe. this internal turmoil is good for me. as it bangs against the walls of my bubble causing tiny breaks and microtears in its structure, as it stretches the fibres of what makes up my soul to allow for a greater expansion and remodelling for a renewed type of strength; as i am strained against different weights and forces so that i am able to withstand more -<br />
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if this is growth i will fight, and i will rest. i will strain, and i will allow myself to fall. i will push, and i will surrender - but i will not let go. because if this is growth, it is worth it.Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-70633526888141967472015-05-23T01:08:00.003+08:002015-05-23T01:21:18.624+08:00ApprovalJust thinking. Of how much I actually desire approval. Approval of man, the people around me. Lets be honest: We want to be desired, even me - seen as desired, seen as popular, never offending anybody, be the nice person that never offends sensibilities, that whenever someone looks at they think: What a nice person. What a kind person. What a smart person. What a generous person. What an organised person. What a humble person. What a <i>good</I> person.<br />
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It's sickening to an extent. Because it can easily turn into chains that hold me down, a burden that weighs upon me - the burden of wanting to please everyone around me and needing to earn their approval. So tied down by the opinions of others that change so easily like the weather. Just a gust of wind from the mouths of another person, and someones perception of me will be so easily changed. And I know that if I try to attend to the whims and fancies of everyone's expectations around me, the one person that ends up getting knocked down and torn and tugged like a puppet all over the place will be me. It's not worth it, I know. It's a lifeless and miserable life to seek for the approval of fickle man. But even so, how long can the approval of others even last? How long till they change their minds and start to nitpick? That's human nature anyway. The way of the world. Then what happens when people despise me, try to bring me down? If I were to live my life trying to gain their approval... I would be crushed. And I would turn fickle as well, just like the people that I try to follow. Emotions changing one place to the next, changing opinions to conform to the people that I try to gain approval from.<br />
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There is a higher standard that I know deep in my heart calls to me. I was made to live in this world, but I was made to live for the Kingdom as well. The King, my Father. I desire to actually live a life that seeks the approval of the Only One that actually matters. Not fickle man. Because my God is constant, my God is Worthy of everything that I am. My God is.... He just Is. And He is the Standard that I desire. But it is so hard to fix my eyes on the One that only matters. So hard to grasp on to Him and keep choosing Him, over and over and over again. To look away from the world, from the conformity, from everything that screams at me to change my ways and words and thoughts and actions and demeanor to appeal to the people around me. But.... God has deigned us to BE the salt and light of the world. We were meant to bring Flavor, to bring Light - we can't blend in. We just can't. We were made to stand out.<br />
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And all this fear of man. Fear of what they would think of me. It's unreasonable. It's not what I was meant for. Once again - I am called to a higher standard. I am called to imitate Christ. And I am made for Him and Him alone, to please Him in all that I do, all that I am. <br />
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Sometimes <i>(honestly, and I'm starting to learn to be more honest and open with myself and God, another subject for another time)</i> I feel like crying because I am so far from where I want to be. So far from where I think God wants me to be. And the most ridiculous thing is that I know that He's still there. Still there. By my side. Still there to bring me through every failure and scrape and fall and bruise. And yet I still don't know why I keep putting the feelings of others above the feelings of this God who has never left my side. When He's still there. When He's worth it all. Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-28903779242121715342015-02-07T23:31:00.000+08:002015-05-23T01:17:55.503+08:005 MonthsFirst Semester is over. I want to reflect on how good God has been to me even during the times where I placed Him in the backseat because of my studies. The things that I constantly remind and repeat to myself would be:<br />
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<i>Never think that you don't need God. Never say that you don't need Him.</i><br />
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Never think that your own efforts would be good enough. That your own strength in your work, your own hard work, is what will get you through everything. God is the One that grants me the wisdom to understand and study well, the one that gives me strength to go on when I feel so weak and the grace to live in freedom. I could never say that I don't need God. I could never say that my life would be perfectly fine and normal without Him. Such dangerous thoughts... To think that life would be okay without Him. To think that my own efforts would be enough to get me through life.<br />
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<i>Wisdom comes from God. What He gives, He can take away.</i><br />
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Isn't pride such a dangerous thing? When you think that you've done it better, or thought things through better, or just anything that you think you're doing better than another. I'm realising that whatever wisdom I have, it comes from God. When I pray to God to give me wisdom, He does. And He doesn't give it so that I can lord it over others. Sometimes I honestly sigh in frustration when I see people act so... unwise. And I think, why can't they just be more wise about such things?! And God knocks me on the head. <i>Would you not be as they are if you did not pray to Me for wisdom? Does not the wisdom that you have now, come from Me?</i> And I am humbled. Repentant once again. There is a reason the wisdom was given, and not for self pride.<br />
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His faithfulness has held me throughout. As it will continue to do so for the rest of my life. <br />
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His grace and mercy and favour has shone on me. Ever evident during these 5 months from the moment I stepped foot into this university. When I first came, I was told there was no more rooms for me, but in the end I was given a room and a roommate that was the answer to my prayers. Got my laundry bag from the maintenance guy with zero fuss. Made so many good friends. Favour with lecturers. Favour with friends. So much mercy in His eyes that look upon me.<br />
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His Love. That never wavers. Although I do. <br />
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How do I deserve or even begin to understand the way He feels and thinks towards me? He is just... Too good to me.Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-9425721124733340752015-01-13T22:00:00.000+08:002015-01-13T22:08:09.161+08:00Sometimes I'm afraid of prayer. Why? Because it means coming before God, no hiding. No more facades. No more disguises. It's coming to Him, exposed, dirtied, humble. Many times I've tried to hide while praying. It feels like... Like I'm hiding behind a wall and peeking out from the corner, and shouting to God what I want Him to hear. But Him being so much bigger, He can easily see over the wall to view all of me, but its just me that's hiding ridiculously and uselessly. I might as well come to Him with all my guilt and doubts bared for Him to see since He knows it all anyway. The only thing holding me back from Him, is me. <br />
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Sometimes I get afraid while praying. Why? Because it means trusting in Him. It means giving up control of the things I think I have in control. When I pray,<i> Lord, teach me to trust in You</i>. That's when I get really cautious and scared. Because I'm telling <i>God</i> to <i>teach me</i>, and I have no idea whats gonna come next or what He's gonna do in my life. God is so unexpected and His ways are so, so different. I can bet that whatever will come up in my life will be things that I've never even dreamt of happening. That's just the way God works, because His ways and thoughts are so much higher. And that's scary because it means I'm giving up control of my life, of what will happen next, it means that I'm <i>allowing</i> God to have His way in my life, <i>whatever that may be</i>. Whatever that may be. <br />
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I get cautious whenever I open my mouth to pray because I know God will work when we allow Him to, and not in the ways we expect. Cautious to the point that.. Maybe I do feel some fear of what God can do in my life. I mean if He wanted to destroy my life as a way to bring me to finally trust in Him, He could easily do that. And in my mind I realise that this is a pretty skewed perception of God.<br />
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God is good. Do I ignore the hundreds of verses regarding God's love, faithfulness and goodness? His very act of love that sent His sinless Son to suffer and die for me? Perfect love casts out all fear. <i>There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.</i><br />
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Perhaps I've been living away from perfect love for too long that fear has started to creep in. My first prayer will be for God to bring me back to Perfect Love.<br />
Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-15473449088260850332015-01-07T20:56:00.001+08:002015-01-07T20:56:22.659+08:002015. Reflections.God always pulls on my heartstrings and His Voice calls me Home each time. I just choose to close my heart and ears.<br />
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University has been intense. And time passes so fast. It's been more than 4 months I've been in this place, away from home. Learning how to navigate this concrete jungle, and coming to a realisation that concrete hearts live in concrete jungles. The greater the city, the more disconnected the heart. Everyone's looking out for themselves. Even me. It's selfish. <br />
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I'm coming to the end of my first semester. It'll be over by the beginning of February, then I'll be going back to my hometown for a month. Then 7 semesters more to go before graduation. It's crazy how fast time flies. It terrifies me. <br />
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The end of things are always a time of reflection for me. The end of 2014 has just passed, hasn't it? I began reflecting. To be honest I've stopped reflecting for a long time now because I knew deep inside that I wasn't satisfied with who I was and what I was. I pushed all questions and doubts about myself away from my head because I didn't want to face the fact that I wasn't happy with who I was. But the sudden realisation that time was passing way too fast and that I didn't want to wake up 5 years later burdened by the knowledge that I was still the same person I was 5 years ago, hit me like a ton of bricks. See, I don't believe in staying the same person. If you were the same person you were 5 years ago, doesn't that mean you haven't grown? Doesn't that mean that you've stopped trying to become better? <br />
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I faced the fact that I wasn't happy with myself at all. I didn't feel like I had grown much in the past 2 to 3 years. I was still the same person. Same thoughts, same heart, same stagnancy. I wasn't becoming better. I wasn't becoming worst either. I was just, stuck between two walls, walking back and forth, reading the same writings on the walls. <br />
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I'm tired of that. Tired of looking at the same walls. Tired of hearing the same voices echo back over and over again.<br />
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I'm turning 20 this year. I'll be a young adult this year. My physical age is growing but my soul isn't expanding to fill in those gaps. That's exactly what describes how I feel right now. That the years are stacking up but my heart is growing smaller. That makes me deeply, deeply unhappy. My heart aches, it is an enclosed pond where drought has dried up much of the water, and the water that remains has become stagnant. Hack away at the boundaries of this cracked and dusty pond, break through the caked up mud and mold me into new rivers and streams. I want to grow. That's my goal for 2015.<br />
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Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-84365419263431288192014-07-03T16:46:00.005+08:002014-07-03T16:48:38.697+08:00"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." James 1:17<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As I laid on the stone paved ground and stared up at the sky peeping through the leaves, I couldn't help but be reminded how blessed I am by God. Every good thing in my life comes from Him, and it is beautiful.</div>
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Serene thoughts at a friends apartment place. Such a beautiful place!</div>
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I walked around old town with a few friends yesterday. Perhaps the second time I've ever done it since all the robbery stories are enough to put me off ever walking around there alone. Look at the slabs of margarine! It's actually a very lovely and traditional place. </div>
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All the textures and colours and smells. An interesting part of our walk was when we saw a handwritten sign saying <i>"Klinik Voon"</i> hanging above a door that opened to a pair of wooden stairs. The stairs lead up to an area which opened up to three rooms. The left room was the clinic consultation place, the centre had an extremely old sign saying <i>"DANGER : X-RAY"</i> hanging above it, and the room on the right was closed with a radioactive sign posted on it. All the signs and doors were practically vintage! It looked, frankly, pretty dodgy and scary.... It was as if we had just entered 1960's Malaysia. </div>
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We daringly walked up silently and took a peep through the wooden stair railings to look into the consultation room. There was an old man sitting at a table near the window, reading the newspapers. A creaky fan blew wind towards him, indicated by the slight movement of the papers. There was a counter near the door which I suppose was where the nurse would sit behind and get prescribed medicines from the shelves attached to the wall (if there were a nurse there). Even the counters and chairs and tables and shelves were ancient looking! A stuffed, worn-out sofa sat near the table, looking as though it had seen better days. The only thing modern about that place were the medicine boxes, shiny and glossy in all their pharmaceutical glory. </div>
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To me, it was a treasure to see. I wish I had thought to take pictures!</div>
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When I am distraught... </div>
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Sort-of scrambled eggs with sort-of grilled tomatoes and herbs.</div>
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<i>In Christ alone my hope is found,</i></div>
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<i>He is my light, my strength, my song;</i></div>
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<i>this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,</i></div>
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<i>firm through the fiercest drought and storm.</i></div>
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<i>What heights of love, what depths of peace,</i></div>
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<i>when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!</i></div>
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<i>My Comforter, my All in All,</i></div>
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<i>here in the love of Christ I stand.</i></div>
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<!-- Blogger automated replacement: "https://images-blogger-opensocial.googleusercontent.com/gadgets/proxy?url=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F-hOpg5bcjkCI%2FU7UKqdlhFFI%2FAAAAAAAABZk%2FnSTYmmXsbTk%2Fs400%2Feyeemfiltered1404110839221.jpg&container=blogger&gadget=a&rewriteMime=image%2F*" with "https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hOpg5bcjkCI/U7UKqdlhFFI/AAAAAAAABZk/nSTYmmXsbTk/s400/eyeemfiltered1404110839221.jpg" -->Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-25517207729485321852014-06-29T17:30:00.000+08:002014-06-29T17:37:12.426+08:0029/06 ThoughtsA few thoughts occurred to me today. I believe many people don't believe in the realness of God because they've never pursued Him. They don't know Him because they've never tried to. <br />
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Sometimes we expect God to do everything for us. We say, "Oh, if God really loved me, if He really wanted me to know Him, if He wanted me to believe in Him, <i>then He would....</i>". Then He would come down in a crash of thunder and lightning, a loud voice booming from Heaven? Then He would part the clouds and before our eyes we would see a triple rainbow? Then He would literally, just literally, appear before our very eyes and tell us, <i>show us</i>, that He is real?<br />
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The thing is, God <b><i>can</i></b> do all those things. Why not? He has appeared to believers before their very eyes and He has spoken to so many of His people in an audible voice. Then why not Jesus just do that to all the unbelievers and <b>make</b> them believe He exists?<br />
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I also believe that it's because God is an ever-patient God with a love that is so abundant and everlasting and a grace that extends beyond all boundaries. It causes Him to want <i>us</i> to <i>come to Him</i> freely and willingly, instead of being 'forced' to believe that He exists. <br />
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Relationship is always a two-way thing. And God <i>has</i> done His part by sending His Son to die on the cross for us that we may come to Him freely. And God <i>is always</i> doing His part by constantly pursuing us and our hearts, sending so many opportunities for us to give our hearts to Him. He always extends His loving hands towards us for us to grasp.<br />
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It's us that don't do our parts in this relationship. It's us that don't respond, that don't run after His heart, that don't seek Him. It's us that ignores His outstretched arms in search of another saviour. <br />
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It's a conviction for me as well. How many times have I said to Him, "If You want me to know You so much, if You want me to love you with all I've got, then <i>You</i> should make me want to read the Bible. <i>You</i> should <i>make me</i> want to love You and desire You and seek You." Like a spoilt brat, crossing my arms and demanding that He give me what I want! And what relationship would that be without selfless sacrifice, pure love, and a willingness to give back all of me just as He has given me all of Him? <br />
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It's a revelation for me. That I am in a beautiful, intimate relationship with God my Saviour. And just as He always does His part, so I must do mine. By pursuing His heart and running towards Him. I want to capture His heart with all of my love and everything that I have. He is my Treasure. <br />
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<i>"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded." James 4:8<br />
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".... Serve Him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek Him, he will be found by you..." 1 Chronicles 28:9</i><br />
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Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-85271082697051802292014-06-25T23:29:00.000+08:002014-06-25T23:31:35.313+08:00We push and we pull and drag and tug our desires towards us. Temporary desires that seem sweet at the moment... Until it leaves a bitter aftertaste. Or an ache in our stomachs. But usually - an ache in our hearts. We know what we want, and we want what we want, because what we want is easy. Desirable. Satisfying. Things of the world usually are. So we grasp with greedy hands, paying no heed to wisdom. Ignoring conviction. The small, soft voice asking... <i>Is this right? My darling, walk in the light. Come away from danger.</i> Humans have such hardness, it amazes me. Constantly amazes me at my very own foolhardiness. Hard-heartedness. Denial.<br />
<br />
But Holy Spirit always knows, doesn't He? And Holy Spirit is so patient. So, so patient. God has never given up on me through my stubbornness, deceit, sin, lies, and pain. <br />
<br />
All the countless second chances has left me breathless. He steals my heart away and gives me true life. He is, and truly, truly is - the Lover of my soul. Who else has seen the depths and darkness of my heart, my sin to its extremities, my abundant failures in every area.... <b>And still. Loves. Me.</b> Loves me in the very unchanging manner that He has had since the very beginning. <br />
<br />
His Love never once wavered or faltered. It remained strong and steady. Ever my refuge.Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-89907556237726308342014-05-25T22:38:00.000+08:002014-05-25T22:38:36.401+08:00The FirstHe is the first taste of cool water after hours of running a marathon<br />
He is the first touch of rain after months of drought<br />
He is the first sight of refreshing waters after an entire day of climbing up a humid, rocky mountain to reach the waterfall -<br />
He is the first dip into cleansing rivers after falling and rolling about in mud and dirt. <br />
<br />
He is the<br />
first breath of our souls,<br />
first moment our hearts find life,<br />
(and oh, such abundant life it has found)<br />
first cry of our spirit awakening.<br />
<br />
He is the <br />
last heartbeat we will ever have,<br />
knowing we have run the race,<br />
and done it well.<br />
<br />
<i>"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End." Revelation 22:13</i>Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-20898051508196123202014-05-14T01:00:00.001+08:002014-05-14T01:01:12.232+08:00HonestyMay I be honest with You? Yes. I may. I can. I should. <br />
Can I be honest with myself? Therein lies the question.<br />
<br />
I am -<br />
Looking into a dirty mirror<br />
Searching for my reflection<br />
but only wiping away the grime<br />
at the places I want to shine.<br />
<br />
I am -<br />
Looking into a shattered mirror<br />
Searching for wholeness<br />
but only considering the scattered pieces<br />
containing the reflections I desire.<br />
<br />
Separated blocks of what was once whole<br />
I am<br />
reluctant to piece the puzzle back together<br />
uneasy about the bigger picture<br />
in denial about the way the pieces have arranged themselves.<br />
<br />
And I am<br />
holding on to the pieces -<br />
Hesitant of giving them to the One<br />
in whom all things hold together.<br />
<br />
<i>"He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together."</i> <br />
{Colossians 1:17}Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-53235144378528816002014-04-01T21:01:00.003+08:002014-04-01T21:02:09.065+08:00I am aching,<br />
breaking,<br />
falling apart in my attempts to get it together.<br />
<br />
I am falling,<br />
drowning,<br />
suffocating in all my deep, centered breaths.<br />
<br />
Grasping at strings, trying to pull them towards me<br />
Trying to tie them down<br />
Trying to anchor them to my roots<br />
Trying to keep them from straying wildly in the wind -<br />
<br />
I'm trying.<br />
I'm failing.<br />
<br />
I need a Saviour<br />
I need a Lover<br />
I need a Healer.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Will your grace run out, if I let You down? <br />
‘Cause all I know is how to run.<br />
<br />
Will you call me child, when I tell You lies? <br />
Cause all I know is how to cry.<br />
<br />
‘Cause I am a sinner <br />
If its not one thing its another -<br />
Caught up in words, tangled in lies <br />
<br />
You are the Savior <br />
And you take brokenness aside<br />
And make it beautiful <br />
Beautiful.</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXqvJb_IGak&feature=kp">////</a><br />
Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-57983129882205659332014-03-25T21:30:00.001+08:002014-03-25T21:31:37.841+08:00<blockquote>{20th August 2011}<br />
My heart is like apple pie.<br />
It looks pretty good on the outside. But on the inside - I'm a mess. And I don't even know it.<br />
All I know is that my insides are all a mess.<br />
And I need Him more.</blockquote><br />
I've come back to that <br />
apple pie heart. bitter-sweet tart. <br />
It's difficult. <br />
Sometimes I myself struggling to accept that He still wants me despite all the burnt corners and flaky pastry and crumbling dough. When I keep coming back into His arms only to wander away again. How deep is His grace? How far does His love go? How many second chances are too many?<br />
<br />
I am reminded.<br />
<br />
<i>He is jealous for me. His Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and glory.<br />
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory- And I realize just how beautiful You are, <br />
and how great Your affections are for me.<br />
<br />
And oh, how He loves us, oh -<br />
Oh, how He loves us,<br />
How He loves us all.<br />
<br />
And we are His portion and He is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes -<br />
If His grace is an ocean, we are all sinking.<br />
<br />
and Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,<br />
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest,<br />
and I don't have time to maintain these regrets,<br />
When I think about the way...<br />
<br />
He loves us,<br />
Oh, how He loves us,<br />
Oh, how He loves us,<br />
Oh, how He loves.</i><br />
Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-3786462328882456112014-02-20T21:19:00.001+08:002014-02-20T21:19:10.142+08:00"May your love for Jesus come across as a foolish dance in a world full of disapproving spectators who secretly wish they were dancing too."Take my heart and every single thing and burn<br />
The ashes and paper and dust and sediments<br />
That have settled over and weighed me down<br />
<br />
Scoop up the mud and silt and dirt and start<br />
To to pour Your living waters over the hardened clay and mold<br />
That which has stagnated, into pliable beauty and strength<br />
<br />
I need You <br />
And I find myself coming back to that -<br />
I will always need You<br />
<br />
You are my breath and hope and song<br />
The tendons and fibres and strength that keep my heart pumping with <br />
Fire, love, passion, desire<br />
<br />
My heart beats with power and the glory of Christ in my veins<br />
And I cannot live as anything less anymore.Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-67430176619366870072014-01-18T00:03:00.002+08:002014-01-18T00:12:54.857+08:00It's 2014 // Thoughts for the first half of JanuaryWow, more than half a month of 2014 has passed. Time flies, especially when you're living... Existing... Barely. Day to day. Monotone. Routine. <br />
<br />
Some random thoughts have been persisting in my mind the past two weeks. One of them is inspired by<a href="http://mejournals.com/whylame/2014/01/03/comparing-is-not-wrong/"> Wai Leem's blogpost about comparing</a>. I'll admit, one of the things that I've believed in was NOT comparing yourselves to other people! Like why would you do that? Everyone is different, good at certain things, etc., no? Comparing yourself will just make you feel bad, yes? <br />
<br />
Well, yes, and no. He really got me thinking on this. Wai Leem explains it all so much clearer, so go read it. Essentially, comparing yourself to another person ISN'T bad. If you didn't compare, you would never know where your standards were. Could you have been better, or in what way was the other person 'better'? Comparing is what it is. It makes you... Compare. To another person, usually better. Makes you think, usually about yourself.<br />
<br />
And sometimes you end up feeling bad. Like you tried, but didn't match up. Or.... <i>"I'll never get this right."</i>, <i>"Why am I even trying? I end up failing anyway."</i>, <i>"I might as well never have done it in the first place."</i> and so on. Wow, we humans are pretty great at criticizing people, most of all ourselves.<br />
<br />
But it all comes down to <u>your perception of your own self</u>. <br />
<br />
Let's take it from a perspective of knowing who we are as Christ's child. Our identity is in Him. We are His. We know we were made <i>with </i>a purpose, <i>for </i>a purpose. We know that He has called us to be His children, the head and not the tail! We know that in all things, the Spirit of excellence should reside because He has called us to whole-heartedness and glory. There is thankfulness, humbleness, brokenness in us. There is Love, and knowing that Love embraces us in open arms. We are not thrown to the side in this mad bungle of a jungle. <br />
<br />
So when we compare, and realise that we come up short or that we could have done so much better instead- We know God doesn't condemn us (and so why do we condemn ourselves?). We know that if we had done things half-heartedly, that is not what God has called us to do, and so we take that as a lesson and do our best the next time. It's about learning and growing from mistakes, lessons, painful trips along the road; skinned knees are our lesson and the bandages are humility, allowing ourselves to <i>be</i> taught, and making a conscious decision to <i>grow </i>from it.<br />
<br />
Or sometimes you've done what you could, but fell short anyway. There's always someone better in this world, isn't there? It's okay. You have to believe that. God is pleased with a heart that is willing and whole-hearted. He doesn't judge you by your results. <br />
<br />
One thing about viewing ourselves thinking that we are not WORTH something - just that very perspective and thought blinds us to everything else. When our minds are clouded by self pity and worthlessness, it becomes difficult to allow whatever has happened to become a lesson and to teach us to become better. We're caught up in ourselves. We don't realise that... Second chances happen. One failure doesn't define you. Multiple failures don't define you. Successes don't define you either, come to think of that. <br />
<br />
Sometimes we have a tendency to evaluate our life and define ourselves based on our successes or failures. When we succeed, life's good. We're doing pretty good. And when we don't, life sucks. We suck. If that's the case we'll spend our life never feeling secure about who we actually are. Will we even know who we are?<br />
<br />
Everyone's just looking for themselves. Somewhere out there. <i>"Who am I?"</i>. It's an endless journey.... Until you meet the One who <i><b>made you.</b> </i>Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-15470701289169870642013-12-31T00:04:00.000+08:002014-01-18T00:04:57.541+08:00Goodbye 2013It's December. 12 months has gone by so fast, and I'm sitting here... Reflecting. <br />
<br />
I am blown away by God's goodness. <br />
<br />
In every single disappointment that has come my way this year, I look back and I see God's fingerprints over every single situation. He knew each of my sorrows, recorded my wanderings- He listed my tears in His scroll, collected them in His bottle. He saw every single tear shed. Each salty droplet that slid down my cheek, He took. <br />
<br />
<blockquote>"Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?" -Psalm 56:8</blockquote><br />
<br />
There's no one more steadfast than Him.<br />
<br />
When I placed my value in successes and failures, I spent my days walking on the route of a roller-coaster, and spent the nights sicking up a mix of insecurity, doubts, and the hounding fear of never reaching 'the mark'. The mark of what? Success? What defines success, anyway? I hardly even knew. I just didn't want to fall. But the nausea that came from eating the things of the world was starved away by partaking in the bread of life. <i>The world and its things will pass away, but those who remain in His will abideth forever.</i> <br />
<br />
<blockquote>"And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever." -1 John 2:17</blockquote>Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-75450341265315818112013-11-12T01:30:00.000+08:002013-11-12T01:35:41.555+08:00"You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways" Psalm 139:3<i>You are familiar with all my ways</i><br />
<br />
and the Bible is the Word<br />
and the Word is God<br />
and God is Truth<br />
and so that must be <br />
<br />
Truth<br />
that you are familiar with all my ways<br />
and nit-pickings, and tastes, and days<br />
<br />
so i can suppose that You;<br />
<br />
know my favourite colours<br />
the shirts i will pick out even before i do<br />
know my favourite foods<br />
and that carrots are not what i like<br />
know my fingernails to the very core<br />
deeper than what i bite<br />
<br />
(<i>the protein that is keratin<br />
that is amino acids<br />
that is carbon, and hydrogen, and nitrogen, and oxygen<br />
and the touch of Majesty</i>)<br />
<br />
i suppose that You already know<br />
the patterns that appear on my tongue<br />
even before the papillae reform and move again<br />
and that i am slightly colour-challenged<br />
between the colours green and blue<br />
<br />
You knew me before i was<br />
and it pleased You to form me<br />
and so i must believe that You are not surprised<br />
<br />
by my failings and scrapings and crumpled emotions<br />
because You knew what You were getting into <br />
because You said i was worth it anyway<br />
<br />
and You know all my waysHannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-40518043293480905122013-10-27T17:14:00.002+08:002013-11-12T01:33:07.806+08:00 Let His Love and Glory Flood In (Breakers Will Crash)<blockquote>Breakers will crash upon the shore<br />
And sweep away the empty bottles littered on the sand<br />
<br />
<br />
Empty bottles once filled with<br />
<br />
Sweet words, kind touches, soft breaths<br />
<br />
Alluring whispers, teasing murmurs, innocence's death<br />
<br />
<br />
(evaporates<br />
leaves behind emptiness<br />
like all the promises once made)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Breakers will crash upon the shore<br />
And with its tide displace shards of glass buried deep beneath, in between<br />
<br />
<br />
Glass shattered by the blows of the world -<br />
<br />
All that glitters is not gold<br />
<br />
fall upon them, bleed upon them<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Breakers will crash upon the shore<br />
And blot away words written, soak through the papers, rinsing through the papercuts<br />
<br />
<br />
Stained papers crumpled, torn<br />
<br />
Shame writ; sorrow, misery<br />
<br />
The pain of rejection stapled through the pages<br />
<br />
Bound by plastic spirals of<br />
<br />
the endless cycle of worthlessness<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Swept away by the waves of His grace<br />
There will be no other recycling<br />
Than the exchange of our litter for His treasure<br />
When His Love and His Glory floods in</blockquote>Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-71443280994366977372013-10-24T15:45:00.001+08:002013-10-24T15:48:42.673+08:00"When it’s hardest to love, humble yourself." —James MacDonaldGod answered my prayers, yet again, in ways I did not expect. This is the nature of God - that He is infinitely wise. Hence the way He answers our prayers are in His infinite wisdom, because He sees the entire picture when we do not, and He knows the best way to answer our prayers for the sake of our good and for the glory of His praise. We don't see what He sees, until He does it, and we look back and say, <i>Oh. He was working for my good all this time, even when I did not make the best choices.</i><br />
<br />
Recently, thoughts contrary to His nature has been amplified all the more in my life. It's as though a switch was flicked on and made me conscious of whenever I began going the path of Envy. Jealousy. Covetousness. Self-entitlement. Judgmentalism. Pride. This past week, I am troubled and, honestly, horrified at how much 'self' I have in me. How much I actually judge, even if they are just fleeting thoughts in my head. How much pride there actually is in me that I disregard. The awareness of the battle between holiness and fleshly self has been magnified so much more that I find myself asking, <i>what's up with this, God?</i><br />
<br />
And He reminded me. <i>What have I been praying for?</i><br />
<br />
I forgot my prayers, but He remembered. Now I recall, eyes shut, hands clasped, praying in earnest for humility and the stripping away of pride. I asked Him to remind me and make me aware of when I was being prideful. <br />
<br />
God did exactly that. It's a reminder that although I forget my prayers, God hears every single prayer His children utter and He does not forget. He made me aware of the pride that was still in me. Made me realise that before He could <i>make</i> me humble, He had to awaken myself to my <i>need</i> for humility. A comparison between ego and true humility. And I am brought to the realisation that I am so much more in need of His grace. Truly, I am nothing without His cleansing blood. All that is good in me is because of who He is and His goodness in me. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I have such a long way to go on this journey. So much to learn. So much to experience. So much to understand.<br />
It will be uncomfortable and painful at times, just as this last week has been. Many times, it will be worst. I will not understand. I will not be able to apprehend. I will be left with - my identity in Him. My refuge in Him. My shelter under His wings. I will be left with - trust in the hands of an infinitely wise God that will work all things out for my good & His glory. Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-50391121215227190602013-10-05T00:29:00.002+08:002013-10-24T15:45:44.475+08:00Thoughts 05/10/2013It really makes me sad when I see people looking down on themselves. When they feel like they aren't good enough to achieve things, or do better than where they are now. When they demean themselves and lower down their expectations of themselves. God created each and every child of His for a purpose and for great reasons. He loves us so, so much. My heart hurts when people live in fear and insecurity, for I was once also chained down and the weight of those burdens are horrifyingly, miserably, heavy. I am righteously angry for the hold Satan has on their lives. Satan always works through our fears. He always plays with our doubts and insecurities and expands them so that it dims out the truth of God. And most of the time, I feel helpless because all I can do is pray for those that I see hurting and living in deception. But I know that although my prayer is small, it is heard by the God who is great. I want to see the lives of my friends free from the lies of the enemy, free from fear, free from deception. I want to see them live in truth and freedom. My heart hurts for the hurting, and I know only God can set them free. Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-9291369971308569022013-09-20T12:58:00.002+08:002013-09-20T13:14:11.213+08:00He's Your Absolute Only Hope<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jeTTyDpSzKI/UjvZI7qzEoI/AAAAAAAABWU/dbjoJdxBPKs/s1600/tumblr_mt4bep8Lhl1qeg9ibo1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jeTTyDpSzKI/UjvZI7qzEoI/AAAAAAAABWU/dbjoJdxBPKs/s1600/tumblr_mt4bep8Lhl1qeg9ibo1_500.jpg" /></a></div>
<blockquote>
You have a hunger deep inside you for things you can’t quite seem to satisfy. The reason I know this is true about you is that it’s true about me as well. It’s true about everyone around you, even that person who seems like they have it all together. No matter who you are, you’re hungry, and no matter what you do to try and fill up, the hunger always comes back. <br />
<br />
You’re hungry for acceptance. You’re hungry for worth. You’re hungry for love. You want to be wanted. You want to be special. You want people to miss you when you’re gone and you want the room to go crazy when you finally show up. You’re hungry for a life where your needs are met and things around you are stable, steady and peaceful. You want to know where that next meal is coming from and you don’t want to have to be afraid about that. There are so many things you’re hungry for and the problem is that no matter what you do to fill up, it only works for a little while before the hunger comes back.<br />
<br />
Having great friends feels awesome and it seems to fill you up. Being in love is intoxicating and really seems to work to satisfy that hunger. Having lots of money or a great job feels good and kinda works. Getting the grades, making the team, winning the game, getting the guy or girl, accomplishing your dreams - these all feel so good and they feel like they work to fill us up and tell us who we are, but then something terrible happens. <br />
<br />
We get hungry again. We don’t fill up as easily as before. We need more this time. Friends let you down, love grows cold, there’s a bad breakup, the economy crashes, you get fired, you get hurt, you fail a test, you lose a game, your dream dies. Who are you now? What do you do when you’re hungry? Where can you go? Your heart has a seemingly insatiable need to be filled with love and worth and so many other things. Where can you fill up forever?<br />
<br />
Did you know that the miracle of Jesus feeding the five thousand is the only one that is recorded in all four of the Gospels? Matthew, Mark, Luke and John all tell us about different miracles, but this is the only one they all mention. It’s extremely important. It’s vital. There’s something going on here that we must understand. One really weird thing about this story is that even though all the Gospels talk about it, none of them explain exactly how Jesus multiplied that one little lunch to feed thousands. How did He do it? What did it look like? <br />
<br />
That’s something we want to know, but they don’t tell us, and I think there’s a good reason for that. If they told us how Jesus did this, we would try to replicate it ourselves. We would try to repeat it, bottle it up and sell it, but we can’t. We can’t understand what Jesus did that day. We are all desperately hungry and we need to be filled, but we can’t do anything about it on our own. Only Jesus can fill us up and I can’t even tell you how He does it. The only thing I know is that He fills me up and I need to go to Him every time to get what I need. You can’t feed yourself and nothing you try to do will ever satisfy your hunger, but Jesus can miraculously and eternally give you what you really need.</blockquote>
<br />
<a href="http://leeyounger.com/post/61526285822/hes-your-absolute-only-hope">{LeeYounger}</a> / <a href="http://instagram.com/p/ePintBJolr/">{Photo}</a><br />
<br />Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-90730355469307201612013-09-16T20:38:00.000+08:002013-09-23T09:38:38.399+08:00Searching for Intimacy {Part I}<p>I have fallen and come up short, stumbled in darkness and came face to face with brick walls in an effort to find intimacy. I have been searching for intimacy; no, not love, but intimacy. If I were searching for love, I would have found it. Love found in friendships and family and even in wagging tails and slobbering tongues; musty, wet, fur. Love found in material things and passionate hobbies and words. There can be love - but it was all surface level love, conditional, unable to fulfill fully - I was looking for something deeper. </p>
<p>There is a desire in each of us to connect. A desire to become as one, a longing that precedes words. The moment when Tarzan lifted his hand and Jane's palm connected. After a lifetime of living as that one difference in his world, he found his place. He found his connection. He found where he belonged. </p>
<p>I lifted my heart in the attempt to find something else that would come and fit perfectly. </p>
<p>In Biology, we learn about enzyme-substrate complexes. An enzyme has an active site with a 3-dimensional shape that is specific to a substrate. Only a substrate with a shape that complements the shape of the active site can fit and bind and form products. </p>
<p>In Biology, we also learn about non-competitive inhibitors. An enzyme also has a site away from the active site, called an allosteric site. When a molecule with a shape that complements the allosteric sites shape comes and binds to it, the shape of the enzyme changes and the substrate that used to be able to fit into the active site can no longer fit. </p>
<p>We are made for intimacy for God. There is something in our hearts, a shape of emptiness that can only be fulfilled by the perfect fit of His Love. But we go after other things that contain whispers of that love. It's not what we need. It can't fulfill us. When we bind ourselves to it, our understanding becomes distorted and our heart cannot fully receive what we were meant to receive. <br></p>
<p>I searched high and low for the longest of times. Places I should have never been. I scraped my knees and tore at my elbows and broke my heart, but forgot to turn to the One who first placed that desire in me. Instead I turned my back and tried to water my soul, cause it to bloom, with the dregs of the world. Yet I was never truly satisfied, and so I kept going. Binge eating on love. Vomiting it back out, left my heart feeling sicker. Aching. <br></p>
<p>I was helpless.<br></p>
<p>He found me. </p>
Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-5448723102554746602013-09-15T21:21:00.000+08:002013-09-16T21:21:28.262+08:0015/09/2013It's surprising how much you are changing from day to day. And we don't really realise it until we have something to measure it by. I had a 40 day fast from Twitter which ended today. The start of the fast, was me then. The end of the fast, was me today. And in between - 40 days of me living life day to day. I look back to the first day of the fast and I look at me today, and I realise I have taken several steps backwards and even more steps forward. I have grown in a span of forty days which amazes me. Do not think that you are not moving from day to day, do not assume that you are at a standstill, even when you're in between a rock and a hard place. A flower still blooms when it is watered and given nutrients though it is planted on sand.<br />
Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-86392271092098755792013-09-02T21:38:00.003+08:002013-09-02T21:43:57.598+08:00Marking the stretches, stretching the marksIn my previous post, I wrote about the stretching of my heart. Of wanting my heart to be covered in stretch marks. When I first read that quote, it struck something in me. What am I doing with my heart? Am I loving enough? Giving enough? Spreading the arms of my heart wide enough? And so I thought about that - and I wrote. Wrote about wanting to love so greatly. So widely. So deeply. So unmitigatedly. Consummately. That my heart would be covered in stretch marks. <br />
<br />
And last night as I was praying for the people around me, in my school. I felt something pour into my heart, and my heart felt like it was being stretched. <i>Literally </i>stretched to fullness, not just some spiritual metaphor - It was as if a passion and burden were filling my heart up that it was being stretched to its small capacity, trying to expand even greater. And you know what? It was uncomfortable. Painful, even. It was like my confined and restricted heart was a small balloon in my chest being blown up and pushed to the limit of its skin. <br />
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God showed me that He hears and sees all that I desire. All my resolutions and vows and commitments, and He takes them seriously. In this case, He did something literal while I was still thinking figuratively; He showed me that if I wanted my heart to grow in Love, it would not be something comfortable. It would be painful and uncomfortable and would bring me to my knees, crying out before Him. It would be the pounding and hammering of my chest as it expands to accomodate Glory, being shaped by the Master Potter Himself. It would be the fiery flames burning, purifying carbon to diamond, silver to gold. It would be the small balloon being replaced by an ever-increasing molten heart, blown bigger and bigger by the very Spirit and breath of God - <i>I asked for stretch marks, now am I willing to pay the sacrifice for them?</i><br />
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The pain of growth, it is uncomfortable to the core. Being pushed, broken, tearing away of the old seed skin. <br />
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But the end result will be a heart filled with stretch marks, brimming with love and humility and glorious beauty. Stretched with praise and honor and holiness. Marked by the very hands of God. Stretched by the very marks of God.Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-5992189586150438052013-08-28T18:08:00.001+08:002013-08-28T18:17:45.359+08:00“In the end / I want my heart / to be covered in stretch marks.” —Andrea Gibson <blockquote>We are a generation of hyperboles. Big, bigger, biggest - brobdingnagian! Great, greater greatest - gigantuous! Huge, huger, hugest - humongous!<br />
<br />
<br />
Our exclamations have gotten bigger<br />
<br />
To fit the expanding of our wandering heart.<br />
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<br />
"There's <u>nothing</u> uglier than the first week of school handwriting."<br />
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"It was, literally, <i>the</i> largest sandwich in existence."<br />
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"I think I'm going to <u>die</u> if I hear her talk one more time."<br />
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<br />
There are poems about<br />
<br />
How a wanderlusting heart would travel millions of miles in her sleep<br />
<br />
Crawl through the oceans of her dreams<br />
<br />
Break her bones to dust, shed her skin as she spirals against gravity<br />
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To reach the face of the moon where her lovers kiss awaits<br />
<br />
<br />
There are love songs about<br />
<br />
How he would burn<br />
<br />
Against a hundred blazing suns<br />
<br />
Against the objections of a thousand<br />
<br />
Against a million miles of separation,<br />
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Combust as he tears and pulls at the layers of atmosphere<br />
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To reach the soil of the earth where his lovers feet have planted<br />
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Even if he himself were burnt to ashes<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
An awakening has begun -<br />
<br />
Hearts are expanding, trying to grasp the edges of something greater<br />
<br />
Trying to tug glory they do not know down to earthly limits<br />
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Trying to heighten itself to<br />
<br />
Satisfaction?<br />
<br />
Nirvana?<br />
<br />
The highest level of being?<br />
<br />
I think the answer is<br />
<br />
A hyperbole of the soul.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I want to transfer my love<br />
<br />
Into hyperbolic expressions of love for Love Himself -<br />
<br />
Spread my heart out so big<br />
<br />
So wide, embrace beauty in the big<br />
<br />
The small, the dirty, the broken<br />
<br />
Want to love stars heading for black holes back into existence <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I want to transform my hyperbolic exclamations of delight in this world<br />
<br />
Into a whirling tornado of exaltation for the Exalted<br />
<br />
Into every single raindrop that touches the face of the earth, worship<br />
<br />
Into the very vibrations of my soundbox, praise<br />
<br />
Into my heart,<br />
<br />
Truth.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>“In the end<br />
I want my heart<br />
to be covered in stretch marks.”</i></blockquote>Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7039893660989107031.post-12517241587902716582013-08-14T01:38:00.001+08:002013-09-02T21:49:00.151+08:00"August rushes by like desert rainfall, a flood of frenzied upheaval - Expected, but still catching me unprepared."<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">August has been exciting! I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone and done many things I have never, ever, ever imagined I would attempt to do (and succeed at!) in my life. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US">First up is the trip to Bako National Park. Apparently it’s one of the must-see things here in my state (or country?) and I’m ashamed to say I’ve never been there. Till now that is, haha. It’s one of the few places where you can get many different kinds of ecosystems all in one place, which is why we had our A-Levels field trip there since it was relevant to the Geography, Biology and Economics subjects (And each of us takes at least one of those subjects).</span><br />
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</span> <span lang="EN-US">It was a jungle trekking trip, and first we had a boat ride to the trek place and had a ‘leisure’ trek around to see the animals and plants! </span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JEzga0mhejA/UgpZfeXaDTI/AAAAAAAABTI/AsPGaH9nEEI/s1600/Bako1.png.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JEzga0mhejA/UgpZfeXaDTI/AAAAAAAABTI/AsPGaH9nEEI/s640/Bako1.png.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Poisonous pit viper! Gorgeous colour and markings. God is such an artist.</div>
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And wild boars that were surprisingly tame. I guess about God being an artist, every artist makes mistakes sometimes... HA, kidding. God doesn't make mistakes and the boars were pretty cute when they slept in the sun. Saw one of the hotel residents pet a wild boar, and the boar rolled over on his back for the man to rub his belly. </div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dKSv4-1Al8Q/UgpZ8Oo3ofI/AAAAAAAABTQ/D7ookOEwsBc/s1600/Bako3.png.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dKSv4-1Al8Q/UgpZ8Oo3ofI/AAAAAAAABTQ/D7ookOEwsBc/s640/Bako3.png.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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"Naughty monkeys around watch out"</div>
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The naughty monkeys. They've learnt to recognise plastic bags as having food in them so we were warned not to carry any plastic bags around because they would steal it. And apparently for all their cuteness, they're also quite aggresive and we were told not to make eye contact with them because they see it as a challenge and might attack us :(</div>
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After the first trek, we went up another much harder trek to see the kerangas forest area. Kerangas means ‘land which cannot grow rice’ and it’s called a ‘heath forest’ in English, growing on acidic and sandy soil.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-koXxjckY3Fg/Ugpcl5MHsqI/AAAAAAAABUA/F_OqIdB-P28/s1600/Bako5.png.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-koXxjckY3Fg/Ugpcl5MHsqI/AAAAAAAABUA/F_OqIdB-P28/s640/Bako5.png.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Up on the kerangas area. </div>
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There was a plateau of limestone. Pretty exciting for me, because this is what I've learnt in Geography! The erosion of limestone and development of clints and grykes... Yeah, I'll stop now. My nerd is showing.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Then the tour guide brought us all the way down again…… <i>To see a branch of tongkat ali </i>OH MY GOSH. We were all like groaning and face-palming at that time but now when I look back, it’s pretty funny that he made us trek all the way back down just to see a small branch. (Tongkat Ali is used as an aphrodisiac. Some jokes were made about nibbling on the branch so that some of us could have extra energy for the next trek, haha!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">So after poking the branch, we went up again on yet <i>another </i>trek up and down to the shore for the boat ride back to the counter, and to see the famous sea stacks along the boat ride. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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There's my super cool Geography teacher crouching there taking pictures of the scenery. She's from Cornwall, England, and she's a huge, huge, huge lover of nature. Always going on about saving nature and animals, but the amount of paper she uses sometimes for her lessons is ridiculous...</div>
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Lovely scenery along the boat ride</div>
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Sea stacks! This is the most famous one, it's in the shape of a cobra head.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Next up was the 4 days, 3 nights International Awards camp at Permai! Now this was quite possibly the most challenging thing I’ve ever done in my life. Aside from swimming coaching back when I was much younger, the only physical activity I’ve been doing the past few years were… Uh… Climbing up the stairs in school, probably. Okay, maybe not that bad, but I’m not exactly the fittest person out there (Although I have been making an effort to work out the past few months :D). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The first day was pretty relaxed, unpacking in the cabins and a few team-building games. One of the games was to scale up a huge wall with only our body parts to aid us, no rope or ladders or anything! But we did it cause we had strong guys that climbed to the top first to help pull us up and more strong guys at the bottom to help carry us up on their shoulders. Poor guys with their aching limbs after that, but they were all macho and all that and said they were fine. Right. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Anyhoo, the next activity was trekking through a part of the jungle blindfolded with only a rope, one single guide at the front of the line, and the voices of our other (blindfolded) friends to help us. It was pretty scary because you couldn’t see anything, and irritating at the same time because I kept getting whacked by branches, haha.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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The 3 girls cabins, side by side</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The second day we had to do one of the most terrifying things ever – high ropes. Basically walking on scary trapeze rope thingies that belong in the circuses with safety nets and skilled tightrope walkers! <i>Looking </i>at the ropes, it didn’t look that scary… <i>Watching </i>the lady in charge walk through it, she made it seem pretty easy… Uh, yeah, I was totally wrong. It was the most terrifying, horrifying, pants-wetting, petrifying thing I have ever had to do in my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Who needs horror movies. And those who are saying this photo doesn't look that scary, it's just the stairs going up to the flying fox for the instructor to use okay! I couldn't get a good picture of the ropes because it all looks like jungle.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Just imagine. You’re afraid of heights. You’re afraid of falling to your death (hello, no safety nets, other than a wobbly harness whereby if you fall, you basically have to climb back up <i>yourself </i>up unto whatever rope obstacle you’re on). You have an extremely limited sense of balance (Read: Major klutz). And you have 7 different rope obstacle challenges to go through like I don’t even know how many feet up into the air before screaming down the flying fox.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I don’t know how I did it, but thank Jesus I got through it. Although I pretty much nearly cried on one of the challenges where I had to change logs midway and the logs were shaking like mad (from my fear and a sudden wind blowing). At least now I can say I’ve walked on a single rope up in the air like those cool circus people. Even though I was <i>totally </i>not cool. Like, awkward white guy dancing in a club not cool. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Random picture of nature for your viewing pleasure</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">We were supposed to go kayaking in the afternoon, but the weather wasn’t looking good and the instructors were afraid the winds might make it too difficult to kayak, so we boogie-boarded and body-surfed the waves with life jackets on instead. It was super fun, I’ve always loved being in the water and doing water sports, so this was one of the best experiences in camp for me :D (Putting aside the sand in my pants..)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">At night we did a night trek in the jungle (Another trek!) to see glowing fungi and mushrooms. It was weird. Like halfway through the trek we’d be told to switch off all our torches and we’d be in pitch darkness with the noises of the jungle all around us. We’d take some time to readjust our eyes to the darkness, and then we’d see small spots of green glowing things around us. It was totally weird, in a cool way. And when we switched the torches back on, the places where the glowing things were were super inconspicuous, like just brown mud or bark. Pretty cool.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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The third day was filled with the most ridiculous and insane activity I have ever done in my life - if the high ropes was the most terrifying, this was definitely the most insane - climbing Mount Santubong.</div>
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It was super tough, super tiring, & challenging. The only mountain I've ever climbed before was Mount Singai, and that's not really a challenge to get to the top. There were rope ladders at nearly 90 degree inclines and nearing the top we basically had to climb like monkeys using our hands and feet. A third of the journey up I was so ready to give up, even the scary PE teacher that came along couldn't motivate/threaten me to continue. Until a classmate of mine who's been poking me the <b><i>entire year</i></b> (I am really ticklish!) said, "Hannah. If you climb all the way to the top... I'll stop poking you for the rest of the year."<br />
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<b>Man.</b> I don't even <i>know</i> where all the energy came from - it was like the instant effects of 10 red bull's in a second. I climbed up that mountain so fast I could have put monkeys to shame.<br />
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The view at the top. For all my sweat and tears and blood (Okay maybe not), this is what I get?! Okay yeah, maybe the satisfaction of climbing a 3km+ trek up a mountain makes it a little bit sweeter...</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lItueQS2lMc/UgpkS9YMh0I/AAAAAAAABV4/m7Wns-H49mo/s1600/camp8.png.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lItueQS2lMc/UgpkS9YMh0I/AAAAAAAABV4/m7Wns-H49mo/s640/camp8.png.png" width="480" /></a></div>
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Going back down was fun! If someone could fly me up to the top and drop me off, I'd willingly trek down again.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7Zywdj4afsI/UgpdhX18zJI/AAAAAAAABUU/1KCsViqRrJg/s1600/Camp5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7Zywdj4afsI/UgpdhX18zJI/AAAAAAAABUU/1KCsViqRrJg/s640/Camp5.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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This is the jungle pool where we cooled off our aching muscles! I'm not in the photo. The pool is divided into two sides, the side on the right is filled with fresh water coming down from the upper rivers. It has small fish in it! And the one on the left is filled with rainwater :) Its really, really, really cold and in the morning it's really clear. (Lets try not to think what it means when it becomes murky in the late afternoon.)</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ouf6WEOovq8/UgpdaOeaArI/AAAAAAAABUM/aaFjgMG4N1o/s1600/Camp6.png.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ouf6WEOovq8/UgpdaOeaArI/AAAAAAAABUM/aaFjgMG4N1o/s640/Camp6.png.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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We had a campfire on the beach that night. There's Wee Yang doing his ridiculous fire dance. Until a few minutes later it started pouring like mad. </div>
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Yeah,<i> totally </i>not his fault. </div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-81xV0oGXHxo/UgpeWJrv2aI/AAAAAAAABUo/KUaLZnGtLHo/s1600/Camp7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-81xV0oGXHxo/UgpeWJrv2aI/AAAAAAAABUo/KUaLZnGtLHo/s640/Camp7.png" width="480" /></a></div>
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Last photo with Grrrraaaccceeeeee mah super quiet classmate, super sweet friend! I got so brown after kayaking on the fourth day! Kayaking was great, and we got to play in the sea a lot. So we went home exhausted but really happy. :)</div>
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Back home back to homework! </div>
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Exams in about 3 weeks! </div>
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See you chicas soon. :)</div>
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Hannah Bananahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08285493759115151293noreply@blogger.com0