"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." James 1:17

As I laid on the stone paved ground and stared up at the sky peeping through the leaves, I couldn't help but be reminded how blessed I am by God. Every good thing in my life comes from Him, and it is beautiful.

Serene thoughts at a friends apartment place. Such a beautiful place!

I walked around old town with a few friends yesterday. Perhaps the second time I've ever done it since all the robbery stories are enough to put me off ever walking around there alone. Look at the slabs of margarine! It's actually a very lovely and traditional place. 

 

 All the textures and colours and smells. An interesting part of our walk was when we saw a handwritten sign saying "Klinik Voon" hanging above a door that opened to a pair of wooden stairs. The stairs lead up to an area which opened up to three rooms. The left room was the clinic consultation place, the centre had an extremely old sign saying "DANGER : X-RAY" hanging above it, and the room on the right was closed with a radioactive sign posted on it. All the signs and doors were practically vintage! It looked, frankly, pretty dodgy and scary.... It was as if we had just entered 1960's Malaysia.

We daringly  walked up silently and took a peep through the wooden stair railings to look into the consultation room. There was an old man sitting at a table near the window, reading the newspapers. A creaky fan blew wind towards him, indicated by the slight movement of the papers. There was a counter near the door which I suppose was where the nurse would sit behind and get prescribed medicines from the shelves attached to the wall (if there were a nurse there). Even the counters and chairs and tables and shelves were ancient looking! A stuffed, worn-out sofa sat near the table, looking as though it had seen better days. The only thing modern about that place were the medicine boxes, shiny and glossy in all their pharmaceutical glory.

To me, it was a treasure to see. I wish I had thought to take pictures!

 When I am distraught...

  

 Sort-of scrambled eggs with sort-of grilled tomatoes and herbs.

In Christ alone my hope is found,

He is my light, my strength, my song;

this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,

firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,

when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!

My Comforter, my All in All,

here in the love of Christ I stand.

29/06 Thoughts

A few thoughts occurred to me today. I believe many people don't believe in the realness of God because they've never pursued Him. They don't know Him because they've never tried to.

Sometimes we expect God to do everything for us. We say, "Oh, if God really loved me, if He really wanted me to know Him, if He wanted me to believe in Him, then He would....". Then He would come down in a crash of thunder and lightning, a loud voice booming from Heaven? Then He would part the clouds and before our eyes we would see a triple rainbow? Then He would literally, just literally, appear before our very eyes and tell us, show us, that He is real?

The thing is, God can do all those things. Why not? He has appeared to believers before their very eyes and He has spoken to so many of His people in an audible voice. Then why not Jesus just do that to all the unbelievers and make them believe He exists?

I also believe that it's because God is an ever-patient God with a love that is so abundant and everlasting and a grace that extends beyond all boundaries. It causes Him to want us to come to Him freely and willingly, instead of being 'forced' to believe that He exists.

Relationship is always a two-way thing. And God has done His part by sending His Son to die on the cross for us that we may come to Him freely. And God is always doing His part by constantly pursuing us and our hearts, sending so many opportunities for us to give our hearts to Him. He always extends His loving hands towards us for us to grasp.

It's us that don't do our parts in this relationship. It's us that don't respond, that don't run after His heart, that don't seek Him. It's us that ignores His outstretched arms in search of another saviour.

It's a conviction for me as well. How many times have I said to Him, "If You want me to know You so much, if You want me to love you with all I've got, then You should make me want to read the Bible. You should make me want to love You and desire You and seek You." Like a spoilt brat, crossing my arms and demanding that He give me what I want! And what relationship would that be without selfless sacrifice, pure love, and a willingness to give back all of me just as He has given me all of Him?

It's a revelation for me. That I am in a beautiful, intimate relationship with God my Saviour. And just as He always does His part, so I must do mine. By pursuing His heart and running towards Him. I want to capture His heart with all of my love and everything that I have. He is my Treasure.


"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded." James 4:8

".... Serve Him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek Him, he will be found by you..." 1 Chronicles 28:9

We push and we pull and drag and tug our desires towards us. Temporary desires that seem sweet at the moment... Until it leaves a bitter aftertaste. Or an ache in our stomachs. But usually - an ache in our hearts. We know what we want, and we want what we want, because what we want is easy. Desirable. Satisfying. Things of the world usually are. So we grasp with greedy hands, paying no heed to wisdom. Ignoring conviction. The small, soft voice asking... Is this right? My darling, walk in the light. Come away from danger. Humans have such hardness, it amazes me. Constantly amazes me at my very own foolhardiness. Hard-heartedness. Denial.

But Holy Spirit always knows, doesn't He? And Holy Spirit is so patient. So, so patient. God has never given up on me through my stubbornness, deceit, sin, lies, and pain.

All the countless second chances has left me breathless. He steals my heart away and gives me true life. He is, and truly, truly is - the Lover of my soul. Who else has seen the depths and darkness of my heart, my sin to its extremities, my abundant failures in every area.... And still. Loves. Me. Loves me in the very unchanging manner that He has had since the very beginning.

His Love never once wavered or faltered. It remained strong and steady. Ever my refuge.

The First

He is the first taste of cool water after hours of running a marathon
He is the first touch of rain after months of drought
He is the first sight of refreshing waters after an entire day of climbing up a humid, rocky mountain to reach the waterfall -
He is the first dip into cleansing rivers after falling and rolling about in mud and dirt.

He is the
first breath of our souls,
first moment our hearts find life,
(and oh, such abundant life it has found)
first cry of our spirit awakening.

He is the
last heartbeat we will ever have,
knowing we have run the race,
and done it well.

"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End." Revelation 22:13

Honesty

May I be honest with You? Yes. I may. I can. I should.
Can I be honest with myself? Therein lies the question.

I am -
Looking into a dirty mirror
Searching for my reflection
but only wiping away the grime
at the places I want to shine.

I am -
Looking into a shattered mirror
Searching for wholeness
but only considering the scattered pieces
containing the reflections I desire.

Separated blocks of what was once whole
I am
reluctant to piece the puzzle back together
uneasy about the bigger picture
in denial about the way the pieces have arranged themselves.

And I am
holding on to the pieces -
Hesitant of giving them to the One
in whom all things hold together.

"He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together."
{Colossians 1:17}

I am aching,
breaking,
falling apart in my attempts to get it together.

I am falling,
drowning,
suffocating in all my deep, centered breaths.

Grasping at strings, trying to pull them towards me
Trying to tie them down
Trying to anchor them to my roots
Trying to keep them from straying wildly in the wind -

I'm trying.
I'm failing.

I need a Saviour
I need a Lover
I need a Healer.


Will your grace run out, if I let You down?
‘Cause all I know is how to run.

Will you call me child, when I tell You lies?
Cause all I know is how to cry.

‘Cause I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another -
Caught up in words, tangled in lies

You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful.

////

{20th August 2011}
My heart is like apple pie.
It looks pretty good on the outside. But on the inside - I'm a mess. And I don't even know it.
All I know is that my insides are all a mess.
And I need Him more.

I've come back to that
apple pie heart. bitter-sweet tart.
It's difficult.
Sometimes I myself struggling to accept that He still wants me despite all the burnt corners and flaky pastry and crumbling dough. When I keep coming back into His arms only to wander away again. How deep is His grace? How far does His love go? How many second chances are too many?

I am reminded.

He is jealous for me. His Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and glory.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory- And I realize just how beautiful You are,
and how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh -
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all.

And we are His portion and He is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes -
If His grace is an ocean, we are all sinking.

and Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
and I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way...

He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.

"May your love for Jesus come across as a foolish dance in a world full of disapproving spectators who secretly wish they were dancing too."

Take my heart and every single thing and burn
The ashes and paper and dust and sediments
That have settled over and weighed me down

Scoop up the mud and silt and dirt and start
To to pour Your living waters over the hardened clay and mold
That which has stagnated, into pliable beauty and strength

I need You
And I find myself coming back to that -
I will always need You

You are my breath and hope and song
The tendons and fibres and strength that keep my heart pumping with
Fire, love, passion, desire

My heart beats with power and the glory of Christ in my veins
And I cannot live as anything less anymore.

It's 2014 // Thoughts for the first half of January

Wow, more than half a month of 2014 has passed. Time flies, especially when you're living... Existing... Barely. Day to day. Monotone. Routine.

Some random thoughts have been persisting in my mind the past two weeks. One of them is inspired by Wai Leem's blogpost about comparing. I'll admit, one of the things that I've believed in was NOT comparing yourselves to other people! Like why would you do that? Everyone is different, good at certain things, etc., no? Comparing yourself will just make you feel bad, yes?

Well, yes, and no. He really got me thinking on this. Wai Leem explains it all so much clearer, so go read it. Essentially, comparing yourself to another person ISN'T bad. If you didn't compare, you would never know where your standards were. Could you have been better, or in what way was the other person 'better'? Comparing is what it is. It makes you... Compare. To another person, usually better. Makes you think, usually about yourself.

And sometimes you end up feeling bad. Like you tried, but didn't match up. Or.... "I'll never get this right.", "Why am I even trying? I end up failing anyway.", "I might as well never have done it in the first place." and so on. Wow, we humans are pretty great at criticizing people, most of all ourselves.

But it all comes down to your perception of your own self.

Let's take it from a perspective of knowing who we are as Christ's child. Our identity is in Him. We are His. We know we were made with a purpose, for a purpose. We know that He has called us to be His children, the head and not the tail! We know that in all things, the Spirit of excellence should reside because He has called us to whole-heartedness and glory. There is thankfulness, humbleness, brokenness in us. There is Love, and knowing that Love embraces us in open arms. We are not thrown to the side in this mad bungle of a jungle.

So when we compare, and realise that we come up short or that we could have done so much better instead- We know God doesn't condemn us (and so why do we condemn ourselves?). We know that if we had done things half-heartedly, that is not what God has called us to do, and so we take that as a lesson and do our best the next time. It's about learning and growing from mistakes, lessons, painful trips along the road; skinned knees are our lesson and the bandages are humility, allowing ourselves to be taught, and making a conscious decision to grow from it.

Or sometimes you've done what you could, but fell short anyway. There's always someone better in this world, isn't there? It's okay. You have to believe that. God is pleased with a heart that is willing and whole-hearted. He doesn't judge you by your results.

One thing about viewing ourselves thinking that we are not WORTH something - just that very perspective and thought blinds us to everything else. When our minds are clouded by self pity and worthlessness, it becomes difficult to allow whatever has happened to become a lesson and to teach us to become better. We're caught up in ourselves. We don't realise that... Second chances happen. One failure doesn't define you. Multiple failures don't define you. Successes don't define you either, come to think of that.

Sometimes we have a tendency to evaluate our life and define ourselves based on our successes or failures. When we succeed, life's good. We're doing pretty good. And when we don't, life sucks. We suck. If that's the case we'll spend our life never feeling secure about who we actually are. Will we even know who we are?

Everyone's just looking for themselves. Somewhere out there. "Who am I?". It's an endless journey.... Until you meet the One who made you.