15/01/2016 Growing Pains

i forgot how much growth hurts and how it causes a deep, throbbing ache inside, and how much it unsettles everything i thought i knew.

because when i prayed for growth, i forgot that the most growth comes through pain and disappointment and failure.

so now-

i’m waiting for the winds to settle down so all the broken, unsettled, haphazard pieces can be picked up and rearranged once again.

because maybe. this internal turmoil is good for me. as it bangs against the walls of my bubble causing tiny breaks and microtears in its structure, as it stretches the fibres of what makes up my soul to allow for a greater expansion and remodelling for a renewed type of strength; as i am strained against different weights and forces so that i am able to withstand more -

if this is growth i will fight, and i will rest. i will strain, and i will allow myself to fall. i will push, and i will surrender - but i will not let go. because if this is growth, it is worth it.