Approval

Just thinking. Of how much I actually desire approval. Approval of man, the people around me. Lets be honest: We want to be desired, even me - seen as desired, seen as popular, never offending anybody, be the nice person that never offends sensibilities, that whenever someone looks at they think: What a nice person. What a kind person. What a smart person. What a generous person. What an organised person. What a humble person. What a good person.

It's sickening to an extent. Because it can easily turn into chains that hold me down, a burden that weighs upon me - the burden of wanting to please everyone around me and needing to earn their approval. So tied down by the opinions of others that change so easily like the weather. Just a gust of wind from the mouths of another person, and someones perception of me will be so easily changed. And I know that if I try to attend to the whims and fancies of everyone's expectations around me, the one person that ends up getting knocked down and torn and tugged like a puppet all over the place will be me. It's not worth it, I know. It's a lifeless and miserable life to seek for the approval of fickle man. But even so, how long can the approval of others even last? How long till they change their minds and start to nitpick? That's human nature anyway. The way of the world. Then what happens when people despise me, try to bring me down? If I were to live my life trying to gain their approval... I would be crushed. And I would turn fickle as well, just like the people that I try to follow. Emotions changing one place to the next, changing opinions to conform to the people that I try to gain approval from.

There is a higher standard that I know deep in my heart calls to me. I was made to live in this world, but I was made to live for the Kingdom as well. The King, my Father. I desire to actually live a life that seeks the approval of the Only One that actually matters. Not fickle man. Because my God is constant, my God is Worthy of everything that I am. My God is.... He just Is. And He is the Standard that I desire. But it is so hard to fix my eyes on the One that only matters. So hard to grasp on to Him and keep choosing Him, over and over and over again. To look away from the world, from the conformity, from everything that screams at me to change my ways and words and thoughts and actions and demeanor to appeal to the people around me. But.... God has deigned us to BE the salt and light of the world. We were meant to bring Flavor, to bring Light - we can't blend in. We just can't. We were made to stand out.

And all this fear of man. Fear of what they would think of me. It's unreasonable. It's not what I was meant for. Once again - I am called to a higher standard. I am called to imitate Christ. And I am made for Him and Him alone, to please Him in all that I do, all that I am.

Sometimes (honestly, and I'm starting to learn to be more honest and open with myself and God, another subject for another time) I feel like crying because I am so far from where I want to be. So far from where I think God wants me to be. And the most ridiculous thing is that I know that He's still there. Still there. By my side. Still there to bring me through every failure and scrape and fall and bruise. And yet I still don't know why I keep putting the feelings of others above the feelings of this God who has never left my side. When He's still there. When He's worth it all.