Its the middle of the year. I think these past months have been, weirdly surreal with God's faithfulness leading every path of the way. I've been learning so much, from leaders and pastors and most importantly, Jesus. And christian videos and books and most importantly, the Bible. But you know, sometimes knowledge isn't the most helpful thing. There was one point where my mind was so confused, so filled with doctrine and teachings and, this person was saying one thing, but this other thing was saying another thing, which was the right thing? But one thing I was forgetting was to ask Jesus what He says was right. And my mind was just so cluttered and filled with all these do's and dont's, doctrine, principles, laws; all the knowledge that was supposed to help me was actually blocking my path! I had fallen under the Law, forgetting that Jesus had done away with it and I live by His grace! It was all so overwhelming, being upset at not being able to comprehend everything, that I just sat there in the dark and wept and told Him, clear my mind of all this stuffiness and clutter of this so-called 'knowledge', fill it with Your peace and Your understanding. Father, I'm through with this, bring me back to that place where all I knew was You! Bring me back to the simplicity of the cross, where all I had was You, all I knew was You, where all my childlike faith was all that I needed. And crying in the dark, believe me, I was miserable, so miserable. It was like all I had learnt, all I had believed in, was useless. And yeah, it IS useless, without Jesus' hand on it, without His revelations and understanding guiding me. Its not that all the knowledge you learn from pastors is useless, its when you allow it to grab hold of you that it becomes the law, instead of allowing it to become a means by how Jesus teaches you.

And just literally crying out to Him, at the points of my spiritual walk where I was left with nothing, nothing except Jesus and even He felt a million miles away (Believe me, He's not.) and feeling entirely useless that there was no way He could use me, I was too cowardly, too faithless, too unloving. Please, those are just disgusting lies of the Devil! Hold on to the word of God; the righteous are as bold as a lion, even if we are faithless God will still remain faithful, and We Are Children of God; His grace is sufficient for us, His power is made perfect in our weaknesses! Because that is when we are left totally empty handed, nothing more of ourselves to show or to give, that is when Christ in all His strength and power shines through.

And at that place where I cried out desperately for Him, to fall in love so intimately with Him, no silly cheap romance - the wanting to just love Him with all my soul and all my might, to put Him first as Lord and God to reign supreme in my life! Telling Him all my desires and passions and dreams for the future, putting it all into His hands because I know that He is interested in my interests. In his heart a man plans his course, but it is the Lord that directs his steps! And my God is the Guide that has plans in my life to do immeasurably more than I could ever ask for or imagine. And I just remember that time where I had a hint of jealousy about a guy, I'll be honest here, I was thinking, hey what is that girl doing with my guy! And God, ever so gently, but definitely firmly, impressed upon me, "That is not your guy. That is My beloved Child, and he belongs to Me.. He is Mine." and I had to repent and renew my mind about all that I had ever thought. The fact that your God in Heaven is jealous for you is SO TRUE, He is jealous for you, and will not allow your heart to be taken by anyone other than Him! He just revealed to me then, that I absolutely cannot think of any other person as 'belonging to me' because everything on this earth that He has created belongs to Him and Him alone, and He loves with such an intense and fiery love. Sometimes when we get attached to a person, we start to get jealous and think, Oh that person belongs to me, he/she shouldn't be going off with other people, they're mine! But God says, NO, that person belongs to ME, I created him/her in my image and they are mine. And yeah, we really have to respect that and love each other in a Godly love, looking at each person as God's creation and as Him being jealous for them. Nothing that we could ever offer to another person in terms of love can compete with God's love for them. In Corinthians 13 it basically says that love "seeks the highest good of others, without thinking what I get out of it," so that is what we should do!

And Him showing me that my future is in His hands, and just knowing... Really knowing... That in Him, all things hold together. Showing me that straight road, putting dreams and compassions in my heart, Him holding my hand, Him hugging me, Him drawing me into His rest - Our God in Heaven really does care about us, and anything in your mind that makes you think otherwise is the lie of the Devil, just delve into His Word and be assured of His endless promises for you! And God has promised you peace, He has promised you an abundant future, He has promised you that He is with you ALWAYS (regardless of your feelings), and it says in 2 Corinthians 1:20, "No matter how many promises God has made, they are all YES in Christ!" assure yourself of His love for you & strike the Devil down. Another thing I have learnt is that I can't live my christian life based on my feelings, cause Jesus never lived His life on earth based on His feelings. He had emotions (He wept!) and showed them, but He never let His emotions become the basis of His mission on earth. He told His Father in Heaven, if it were possible let this cup be taken from me... Meaning that He knew what He was getting Himself into, when He allowed Himself to the point of death on the cross for us, and I don't think He was totally joyful about it, but the point is. He did it. Because He knew that that was what He was sent here for. Because of His great love for us. In that same way, if we were to base our christian walk on our emotions, it would be like an insane emotional roller-coaster where we would feel that God is on our side for one moment, and the next moment we would think that He hates us and is on planet pluto. Instead we base it on His Word and the knowledge/assurance that He will never leave us, never forsake us & will be with us till the end of time.

Even right now I have a lot of questions, Father, why am I here other than to do the will of Yours? Wait, what IS the will of Yours for me? You called us all to preach the good news to the poor, how do we do that? What if I do not have enough faith? What if my courage fails me? If we are called to walk as Jesus did, why are we so content with just sitting in church week by week listening to sermons and worshiping you, AND NOT GOING OUT TO HEAL THE SICK AND BREAK PEOPLE FROM THEIR CHAINS AND BONDAGES?! How do we walk in Your power? How do we break out of this cycle of endless contentment and satisfaction, when the Christian life is supposed to be so much more? Is this what you call "reaching out" when no one is getting saved, no lives are being transformed, no revelations of who You are is being revealed to the people who are lost? .... So many things, still overwhelms me, still brings me to ask God if my life is really all that I'm living it out to be for Him, but He is the great Teacher. I will trust. I will listen. I will obey.

All the things He has asked me that caused me to reflect, think back about my life, perhaps repent, perhaps fall on my knees in worship, the things He has shown me, let me feel, causing me to perhaps laugh in perfect joy, or cry in overwhelming sadness, weep at the slight revelations of His amazing love for me. It looks like this post has turned out to be a reflection on this past half-year, and thats only barely touching the tip of the iceberg! But I'm not even saying that this Christian life is easy, sometimes it is the most frustrating choice that I have ever made, driving me to tears and wanting to give everything up because it seems like I am not doing anything; BUT Jesus is what makes it worthwhile, He is what makes both me and you stand firm in Christ. Cause this decision to die to my old self, have Christ live in me and me in Him, pick up my cross and deny myself every single day has been the most amazing thing that I have chosen. What could compare to having this omnipresent Father in Heaven looking out for you, loving you, caring for you, covering you in the shadow of His wings? Now all I pray is for Him to lead me in deeper ways and help me to take the small steps of faith needed in this walk with Him. There is no excuse, no turning back.. "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galations 1:10