Sometimes I'm afraid of prayer. Why? Because it means coming before God, no hiding. No more facades. No more disguises. It's coming to Him, exposed, dirtied, humble. Many times I've tried to hide while praying. It feels like... Like I'm hiding behind a wall and peeking out from the corner, and shouting to God what I want Him to hear. But Him being so much bigger, He can easily see over the wall to view all of me, but its just me that's hiding ridiculously and uselessly. I might as well come to Him with all my guilt and doubts bared for Him to see since He knows it all anyway. The only thing holding me back from Him, is me.
Sometimes I get afraid while praying. Why? Because it means trusting in Him. It means giving up control of the things I think I have in control. When I pray, Lord, teach me to trust in You. That's when I get really cautious and scared. Because I'm telling God to teach me, and I have no idea whats gonna come next or what He's gonna do in my life. God is so unexpected and His ways are so, so different. I can bet that whatever will come up in my life will be things that I've never even dreamt of happening. That's just the way God works, because His ways and thoughts are so much higher. And that's scary because it means I'm giving up control of my life, of what will happen next, it means that I'm allowing God to have His way in my life, whatever that may be. Whatever that may be.
I get cautious whenever I open my mouth to pray because I know God will work when we allow Him to, and not in the ways we expect. Cautious to the point that.. Maybe I do feel some fear of what God can do in my life. I mean if He wanted to destroy my life as a way to bring me to finally trust in Him, He could easily do that. And in my mind I realise that this is a pretty skewed perception of God.
God is good. Do I ignore the hundreds of verses regarding God's love, faithfulness and goodness? His very act of love that sent His sinless Son to suffer and die for me? Perfect love casts out all fear. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
Perhaps I've been living away from perfect love for too long that fear has started to creep in. My first prayer will be for God to bring me back to Perfect Love.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
2015. Reflections.
God always pulls on my heartstrings and His Voice calls me Home each time. I just choose to close my heart and ears.
University has been intense. And time passes so fast. It's been more than 4 months I've been in this place, away from home. Learning how to navigate this concrete jungle, and coming to a realisation that concrete hearts live in concrete jungles. The greater the city, the more disconnected the heart. Everyone's looking out for themselves. Even me. It's selfish.
I'm coming to the end of my first semester. It'll be over by the beginning of February, then I'll be going back to my hometown for a month. Then 7 semesters more to go before graduation. It's crazy how fast time flies. It terrifies me.
The end of things are always a time of reflection for me. The end of 2014 has just passed, hasn't it? I began reflecting. To be honest I've stopped reflecting for a long time now because I knew deep inside that I wasn't satisfied with who I was and what I was. I pushed all questions and doubts about myself away from my head because I didn't want to face the fact that I wasn't happy with who I was. But the sudden realisation that time was passing way too fast and that I didn't want to wake up 5 years later burdened by the knowledge that I was still the same person I was 5 years ago, hit me like a ton of bricks. See, I don't believe in staying the same person. If you were the same person you were 5 years ago, doesn't that mean you haven't grown? Doesn't that mean that you've stopped trying to become better?
I faced the fact that I wasn't happy with myself at all. I didn't feel like I had grown much in the past 2 to 3 years. I was still the same person. Same thoughts, same heart, same stagnancy. I wasn't becoming better. I wasn't becoming worst either. I was just, stuck between two walls, walking back and forth, reading the same writings on the walls.
I'm tired of that. Tired of looking at the same walls. Tired of hearing the same voices echo back over and over again.
I'm turning 20 this year. I'll be a young adult this year. My physical age is growing but my soul isn't expanding to fill in those gaps. That's exactly what describes how I feel right now. That the years are stacking up but my heart is growing smaller. That makes me deeply, deeply unhappy. My heart aches, it is an enclosed pond where drought has dried up much of the water, and the water that remains has become stagnant. Hack away at the boundaries of this cracked and dusty pond, break through the caked up mud and mold me into new rivers and streams. I want to grow. That's my goal for 2015.
University has been intense. And time passes so fast. It's been more than 4 months I've been in this place, away from home. Learning how to navigate this concrete jungle, and coming to a realisation that concrete hearts live in concrete jungles. The greater the city, the more disconnected the heart. Everyone's looking out for themselves. Even me. It's selfish.
I'm coming to the end of my first semester. It'll be over by the beginning of February, then I'll be going back to my hometown for a month. Then 7 semesters more to go before graduation. It's crazy how fast time flies. It terrifies me.
The end of things are always a time of reflection for me. The end of 2014 has just passed, hasn't it? I began reflecting. To be honest I've stopped reflecting for a long time now because I knew deep inside that I wasn't satisfied with who I was and what I was. I pushed all questions and doubts about myself away from my head because I didn't want to face the fact that I wasn't happy with who I was. But the sudden realisation that time was passing way too fast and that I didn't want to wake up 5 years later burdened by the knowledge that I was still the same person I was 5 years ago, hit me like a ton of bricks. See, I don't believe in staying the same person. If you were the same person you were 5 years ago, doesn't that mean you haven't grown? Doesn't that mean that you've stopped trying to become better?
I faced the fact that I wasn't happy with myself at all. I didn't feel like I had grown much in the past 2 to 3 years. I was still the same person. Same thoughts, same heart, same stagnancy. I wasn't becoming better. I wasn't becoming worst either. I was just, stuck between two walls, walking back and forth, reading the same writings on the walls.
I'm tired of that. Tired of looking at the same walls. Tired of hearing the same voices echo back over and over again.
I'm turning 20 this year. I'll be a young adult this year. My physical age is growing but my soul isn't expanding to fill in those gaps. That's exactly what describes how I feel right now. That the years are stacking up but my heart is growing smaller. That makes me deeply, deeply unhappy. My heart aches, it is an enclosed pond where drought has dried up much of the water, and the water that remains has become stagnant. Hack away at the boundaries of this cracked and dusty pond, break through the caked up mud and mold me into new rivers and streams. I want to grow. That's my goal for 2015.
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