It's real easy to talk about the right thing to do when it's not your life

I'm a person that doesn't trust easily, or at all. For me to even partially trust another person is a huge, huge, huge deal in my life and I expect a lot when I give out my trust. Because I'm afraid of being hurt. Trusting another person opens you up to so many ways of getting hurt, because people fail. All the time. No one is perfect, that's what we've all learnt. Watching so many of my friends get hurt because of the trust they gave out to another made me wary and I made a decision to never let anyone in deep enough to hurt me. Being heartbroken, back-stabbed, and hurt just seemed to me not worth the trust. I was a lot younger when I made that decision, but now I'm facing the consequences years later. Years of building up walls around my heart, shutting everything in and not letting anything out -

I just don't know how to trust. The very point is - I'm afraid of trusting in His love because I'm scared that if I trust Him, He'll let me down and I'll be hurt beyond pain. That if I actually believe His words, it might turn out that He didn't mean it after all. Its ridiculous. I know. God is love. He is Love. He is the very epitome of Love and Forgiveness- how could I not trust that? But I guess I'm like Thomas. Jesus could have been wearing a ballerina costume and performing live right in front of him, but he would still have insisted, "Show me your hands and I will believe!"

Writing this out is terrifying. Searching your own heart is terrifying. The prophet Jeremiah knew what he was saying when he said that the human heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick - who can understand it? I've been denying that I've got trust issues but God can't shine His light in only certain corners of my life and ignore the things that I don't want brought up. His light searches all things and makes known all things and shines on dark, dusty, walled-up places.

Its difficult for me to see Jesus as loving me. Its hard for me to understand it when He tells me that He loves me - and He's not just saying it with words that have no substance or meaning. When His love is described as unrelenting, fierce, jealous, incredible, and His love is all for me. Always running after me, forever willing to look beyond mistakes as long as I came back to Him every single time. And He's pleased with me, just because I am His daughter? I can't even comprehend it. I can't even allow it to take root into my heart. All because of trust.

One night He told me that I was like an apple pie - I looked like I had it all together on the outside, perfect and worthy of presenting on a bakers stand. But on the inside, I was a mess. And at one touch, I could crumble.

He was right.