15/01/2016 Growing Pains

i forgot how much growth hurts and how it causes a deep, throbbing ache inside, and how much it unsettles everything i thought i knew.

because when i prayed for growth, i forgot that the most growth comes through pain and disappointment and failure.

so now-

i’m waiting for the winds to settle down so all the broken, unsettled, haphazard pieces can be picked up and rearranged once again.

because maybe. this internal turmoil is good for me. as it bangs against the walls of my bubble causing tiny breaks and microtears in its structure, as it stretches the fibres of what makes up my soul to allow for a greater expansion and remodelling for a renewed type of strength; as i am strained against different weights and forces so that i am able to withstand more -

if this is growth i will fight, and i will rest. i will strain, and i will allow myself to fall. i will push, and i will surrender - but i will not let go. because if this is growth, it is worth it.

Approval

Just thinking. Of how much I actually desire approval. Approval of man, the people around me. Lets be honest: We want to be desired, even me - seen as desired, seen as popular, never offending anybody, be the nice person that never offends sensibilities, that whenever someone looks at they think: What a nice person. What a kind person. What a smart person. What a generous person. What an organised person. What a humble person. What a good person.

It's sickening to an extent. Because it can easily turn into chains that hold me down, a burden that weighs upon me - the burden of wanting to please everyone around me and needing to earn their approval. So tied down by the opinions of others that change so easily like the weather. Just a gust of wind from the mouths of another person, and someones perception of me will be so easily changed. And I know that if I try to attend to the whims and fancies of everyone's expectations around me, the one person that ends up getting knocked down and torn and tugged like a puppet all over the place will be me. It's not worth it, I know. It's a lifeless and miserable life to seek for the approval of fickle man. But even so, how long can the approval of others even last? How long till they change their minds and start to nitpick? That's human nature anyway. The way of the world. Then what happens when people despise me, try to bring me down? If I were to live my life trying to gain their approval... I would be crushed. And I would turn fickle as well, just like the people that I try to follow. Emotions changing one place to the next, changing opinions to conform to the people that I try to gain approval from.

There is a higher standard that I know deep in my heart calls to me. I was made to live in this world, but I was made to live for the Kingdom as well. The King, my Father. I desire to actually live a life that seeks the approval of the Only One that actually matters. Not fickle man. Because my God is constant, my God is Worthy of everything that I am. My God is.... He just Is. And He is the Standard that I desire. But it is so hard to fix my eyes on the One that only matters. So hard to grasp on to Him and keep choosing Him, over and over and over again. To look away from the world, from the conformity, from everything that screams at me to change my ways and words and thoughts and actions and demeanor to appeal to the people around me. But.... God has deigned us to BE the salt and light of the world. We were meant to bring Flavor, to bring Light - we can't blend in. We just can't. We were made to stand out.

And all this fear of man. Fear of what they would think of me. It's unreasonable. It's not what I was meant for. Once again - I am called to a higher standard. I am called to imitate Christ. And I am made for Him and Him alone, to please Him in all that I do, all that I am.

Sometimes (honestly, and I'm starting to learn to be more honest and open with myself and God, another subject for another time) I feel like crying because I am so far from where I want to be. So far from where I think God wants me to be. And the most ridiculous thing is that I know that He's still there. Still there. By my side. Still there to bring me through every failure and scrape and fall and bruise. And yet I still don't know why I keep putting the feelings of others above the feelings of this God who has never left my side. When He's still there. When He's worth it all.

5 Months

First Semester is over. I want to reflect on how good God has been to me even during the times where I placed Him in the backseat because of my studies. The things that I constantly remind and repeat to myself would be:

Never think that you don't need God. Never say that you don't need Him.

Never think that your own efforts would be good enough. That your own strength in your work, your own hard work, is what will get you through everything. God is the One that grants me the wisdom to understand and study well, the one that gives me strength to go on when I feel so weak and the grace to live in freedom. I could never say that I don't need God. I could never say that my life would be perfectly fine and normal without Him. Such dangerous thoughts... To think that life would be okay without Him. To think that my own efforts would be enough to get me through life.

Wisdom comes from God. What He gives, He can take away.

Isn't pride such a dangerous thing? When you think that you've done it better, or thought things through better, or just anything that you think you're doing better than another. I'm realising that whatever wisdom I have, it comes from God. When I pray to God to give me wisdom, He does. And He doesn't give it so that I can lord it over others. Sometimes I honestly sigh in frustration when I see people act so... unwise. And I think, why can't they just be more wise about such things?! And God knocks me on the head. Would you not be as they are if you did not pray to Me for wisdom? Does not the wisdom that you have now, come from Me? And I am humbled. Repentant once again. There is a reason the wisdom was given, and not for self pride.

His faithfulness has held me throughout. As it will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

His grace and mercy and favour has shone on me. Ever evident during these 5 months from the moment I stepped foot into this university. When I first came, I was told there was no more rooms for me, but in the end I was given a room and a roommate that was the answer to my prayers. Got my laundry bag from the maintenance guy with zero fuss. Made so many good friends. Favour with lecturers. Favour with friends. So much mercy in His eyes that look upon me.

His Love. That never wavers. Although I do.

How do I deserve or even begin to understand the way He feels and thinks towards me? He is just... Too good to me.

Sometimes I'm afraid of prayer. Why? Because it means coming before God, no hiding. No more facades. No more disguises. It's coming to Him, exposed, dirtied, humble. Many times I've tried to hide while praying. It feels like... Like I'm hiding behind a wall and peeking out from the corner, and shouting to God what I want Him to hear. But Him being so much bigger, He can easily see over the wall to view all of me, but its just me that's hiding ridiculously and uselessly. I might as well come to Him with all my guilt and doubts bared for Him to see since He knows it all anyway. The only thing holding me back from Him, is me.

Sometimes I get afraid while praying. Why? Because it means trusting in Him. It means giving up control of the things I think I have in control. When I pray, Lord, teach me to trust in You. That's when I get really cautious and scared. Because I'm telling God to teach me, and I have no idea whats gonna come next or what He's gonna do in my life. God is so unexpected and His ways are so, so different. I can bet that whatever will come up in my life will be things that I've never even dreamt of happening. That's just the way God works, because His ways and thoughts are so much higher. And that's scary because it means I'm giving up control of my life, of what will happen next, it means that I'm allowing God to have His way in my life, whatever that may be. Whatever that may be.

I get cautious whenever I open my mouth to pray because I know God will work when we allow Him to, and not in the ways we expect. Cautious to the point that.. Maybe I do feel some fear of what God can do in my life. I mean if He wanted to destroy my life as a way to bring me to finally trust in Him, He could easily do that. And in my mind I realise that this is a pretty skewed perception of God.

God is good. Do I ignore the hundreds of verses regarding God's love, faithfulness and goodness? His very act of love that sent His sinless Son to suffer and die for me? Perfect love casts out all fear. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Perhaps I've been living away from perfect love for too long that fear has started to creep in. My first prayer will be for God to bring me back to Perfect Love.

2015. Reflections.

God always pulls on my heartstrings and His Voice calls me Home each time. I just choose to close my heart and ears.

University has been intense. And time passes so fast. It's been more than 4 months I've been in this place, away from home. Learning how to navigate this concrete jungle, and coming to a realisation that concrete hearts live in concrete jungles. The greater the city, the more disconnected the heart. Everyone's looking out for themselves. Even me. It's selfish.

I'm coming to the end of my first semester. It'll be over by the beginning of February, then I'll be going back to my hometown for a month. Then 7 semesters more to go before graduation. It's crazy how fast time flies. It terrifies me.

The end of things are always a time of reflection for me. The end of 2014 has just passed, hasn't it? I began reflecting. To be honest I've stopped reflecting for a long time now because I knew deep inside that I wasn't satisfied with who I was and what I was. I pushed all questions and doubts about myself away from my head because I didn't want to face the fact that I wasn't happy with who I was. But the sudden realisation that time was passing way too fast and that I didn't want to wake up 5 years later burdened by the knowledge that I was still the same person I was 5 years ago, hit me like a ton of bricks. See, I don't believe in staying the same person. If you were the same person you were 5 years ago, doesn't that mean you haven't grown? Doesn't that mean that you've stopped trying to become better?

I faced the fact that I wasn't happy with myself at all. I didn't feel like I had grown much in the past 2 to 3 years. I was still the same person. Same thoughts, same heart, same stagnancy. I wasn't becoming better. I wasn't becoming worst either. I was just, stuck between two walls, walking back and forth, reading the same writings on the walls.

I'm tired of that. Tired of looking at the same walls. Tired of hearing the same voices echo back over and over again.

I'm turning 20 this year. I'll be a young adult this year. My physical age is growing but my soul isn't expanding to fill in those gaps. That's exactly what describes how I feel right now. That the years are stacking up but my heart is growing smaller. That makes me deeply, deeply unhappy. My heart aches, it is an enclosed pond where drought has dried up much of the water, and the water that remains has become stagnant. Hack away at the boundaries of this cracked and dusty pond, break through the caked up mud and mold me into new rivers and streams. I want to grow. That's my goal for 2015.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." James 1:17

As I laid on the stone paved ground and stared up at the sky peeping through the leaves, I couldn't help but be reminded how blessed I am by God. Every good thing in my life comes from Him, and it is beautiful.

Serene thoughts at a friends apartment place. Such a beautiful place!

I walked around old town with a few friends yesterday. Perhaps the second time I've ever done it since all the robbery stories are enough to put me off ever walking around there alone. Look at the slabs of margarine! It's actually a very lovely and traditional place. 

 

 All the textures and colours and smells. An interesting part of our walk was when we saw a handwritten sign saying "Klinik Voon" hanging above a door that opened to a pair of wooden stairs. The stairs lead up to an area which opened up to three rooms. The left room was the clinic consultation place, the centre had an extremely old sign saying "DANGER : X-RAY" hanging above it, and the room on the right was closed with a radioactive sign posted on it. All the signs and doors were practically vintage! It looked, frankly, pretty dodgy and scary.... It was as if we had just entered 1960's Malaysia.

We daringly  walked up silently and took a peep through the wooden stair railings to look into the consultation room. There was an old man sitting at a table near the window, reading the newspapers. A creaky fan blew wind towards him, indicated by the slight movement of the papers. There was a counter near the door which I suppose was where the nurse would sit behind and get prescribed medicines from the shelves attached to the wall (if there were a nurse there). Even the counters and chairs and tables and shelves were ancient looking! A stuffed, worn-out sofa sat near the table, looking as though it had seen better days. The only thing modern about that place were the medicine boxes, shiny and glossy in all their pharmaceutical glory.

To me, it was a treasure to see. I wish I had thought to take pictures!

 When I am distraught...

  

 Sort-of scrambled eggs with sort-of grilled tomatoes and herbs.

In Christ alone my hope is found,

He is my light, my strength, my song;

this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,

firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,

when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!

My Comforter, my All in All,

here in the love of Christ I stand.

29/06 Thoughts

A few thoughts occurred to me today. I believe many people don't believe in the realness of God because they've never pursued Him. They don't know Him because they've never tried to.

Sometimes we expect God to do everything for us. We say, "Oh, if God really loved me, if He really wanted me to know Him, if He wanted me to believe in Him, then He would....". Then He would come down in a crash of thunder and lightning, a loud voice booming from Heaven? Then He would part the clouds and before our eyes we would see a triple rainbow? Then He would literally, just literally, appear before our very eyes and tell us, show us, that He is real?

The thing is, God can do all those things. Why not? He has appeared to believers before their very eyes and He has spoken to so many of His people in an audible voice. Then why not Jesus just do that to all the unbelievers and make them believe He exists?

I also believe that it's because God is an ever-patient God with a love that is so abundant and everlasting and a grace that extends beyond all boundaries. It causes Him to want us to come to Him freely and willingly, instead of being 'forced' to believe that He exists.

Relationship is always a two-way thing. And God has done His part by sending His Son to die on the cross for us that we may come to Him freely. And God is always doing His part by constantly pursuing us and our hearts, sending so many opportunities for us to give our hearts to Him. He always extends His loving hands towards us for us to grasp.

It's us that don't do our parts in this relationship. It's us that don't respond, that don't run after His heart, that don't seek Him. It's us that ignores His outstretched arms in search of another saviour.

It's a conviction for me as well. How many times have I said to Him, "If You want me to know You so much, if You want me to love you with all I've got, then You should make me want to read the Bible. You should make me want to love You and desire You and seek You." Like a spoilt brat, crossing my arms and demanding that He give me what I want! And what relationship would that be without selfless sacrifice, pure love, and a willingness to give back all of me just as He has given me all of Him?

It's a revelation for me. That I am in a beautiful, intimate relationship with God my Saviour. And just as He always does His part, so I must do mine. By pursuing His heart and running towards Him. I want to capture His heart with all of my love and everything that I have. He is my Treasure.


"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded." James 4:8

".... Serve Him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek Him, he will be found by you..." 1 Chronicles 28:9

We push and we pull and drag and tug our desires towards us. Temporary desires that seem sweet at the moment... Until it leaves a bitter aftertaste. Or an ache in our stomachs. But usually - an ache in our hearts. We know what we want, and we want what we want, because what we want is easy. Desirable. Satisfying. Things of the world usually are. So we grasp with greedy hands, paying no heed to wisdom. Ignoring conviction. The small, soft voice asking... Is this right? My darling, walk in the light. Come away from danger. Humans have such hardness, it amazes me. Constantly amazes me at my very own foolhardiness. Hard-heartedness. Denial.

But Holy Spirit always knows, doesn't He? And Holy Spirit is so patient. So, so patient. God has never given up on me through my stubbornness, deceit, sin, lies, and pain.

All the countless second chances has left me breathless. He steals my heart away and gives me true life. He is, and truly, truly is - the Lover of my soul. Who else has seen the depths and darkness of my heart, my sin to its extremities, my abundant failures in every area.... And still. Loves. Me. Loves me in the very unchanging manner that He has had since the very beginning.

His Love never once wavered or faltered. It remained strong and steady. Ever my refuge.

The First

He is the first taste of cool water after hours of running a marathon
He is the first touch of rain after months of drought
He is the first sight of refreshing waters after an entire day of climbing up a humid, rocky mountain to reach the waterfall -
He is the first dip into cleansing rivers after falling and rolling about in mud and dirt.

He is the
first breath of our souls,
first moment our hearts find life,
(and oh, such abundant life it has found)
first cry of our spirit awakening.

He is the
last heartbeat we will ever have,
knowing we have run the race,
and done it well.

"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End." Revelation 22:13

Honesty

May I be honest with You? Yes. I may. I can. I should.
Can I be honest with myself? Therein lies the question.

I am -
Looking into a dirty mirror
Searching for my reflection
but only wiping away the grime
at the places I want to shine.

I am -
Looking into a shattered mirror
Searching for wholeness
but only considering the scattered pieces
containing the reflections I desire.

Separated blocks of what was once whole
I am
reluctant to piece the puzzle back together
uneasy about the bigger picture
in denial about the way the pieces have arranged themselves.

And I am
holding on to the pieces -
Hesitant of giving them to the One
in whom all things hold together.

"He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together."
{Colossians 1:17}

I am aching,
breaking,
falling apart in my attempts to get it together.

I am falling,
drowning,
suffocating in all my deep, centered breaths.

Grasping at strings, trying to pull them towards me
Trying to tie them down
Trying to anchor them to my roots
Trying to keep them from straying wildly in the wind -

I'm trying.
I'm failing.

I need a Saviour
I need a Lover
I need a Healer.


Will your grace run out, if I let You down?
‘Cause all I know is how to run.

Will you call me child, when I tell You lies?
Cause all I know is how to cry.

‘Cause I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another -
Caught up in words, tangled in lies

You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful.

////

{20th August 2011}
My heart is like apple pie.
It looks pretty good on the outside. But on the inside - I'm a mess. And I don't even know it.
All I know is that my insides are all a mess.
And I need Him more.

I've come back to that
apple pie heart. bitter-sweet tart.
It's difficult.
Sometimes I myself struggling to accept that He still wants me despite all the burnt corners and flaky pastry and crumbling dough. When I keep coming back into His arms only to wander away again. How deep is His grace? How far does His love go? How many second chances are too many?

I am reminded.

He is jealous for me. His Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and glory.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory- And I realize just how beautiful You are,
and how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh -
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all.

And we are His portion and He is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes -
If His grace is an ocean, we are all sinking.

and Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
and I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way...

He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.

"May your love for Jesus come across as a foolish dance in a world full of disapproving spectators who secretly wish they were dancing too."

Take my heart and every single thing and burn
The ashes and paper and dust and sediments
That have settled over and weighed me down

Scoop up the mud and silt and dirt and start
To to pour Your living waters over the hardened clay and mold
That which has stagnated, into pliable beauty and strength

I need You
And I find myself coming back to that -
I will always need You

You are my breath and hope and song
The tendons and fibres and strength that keep my heart pumping with
Fire, love, passion, desire

My heart beats with power and the glory of Christ in my veins
And I cannot live as anything less anymore.

It's 2014 // Thoughts for the first half of January

Wow, more than half a month of 2014 has passed. Time flies, especially when you're living... Existing... Barely. Day to day. Monotone. Routine.

Some random thoughts have been persisting in my mind the past two weeks. One of them is inspired by Wai Leem's blogpost about comparing. I'll admit, one of the things that I've believed in was NOT comparing yourselves to other people! Like why would you do that? Everyone is different, good at certain things, etc., no? Comparing yourself will just make you feel bad, yes?

Well, yes, and no. He really got me thinking on this. Wai Leem explains it all so much clearer, so go read it. Essentially, comparing yourself to another person ISN'T bad. If you didn't compare, you would never know where your standards were. Could you have been better, or in what way was the other person 'better'? Comparing is what it is. It makes you... Compare. To another person, usually better. Makes you think, usually about yourself.

And sometimes you end up feeling bad. Like you tried, but didn't match up. Or.... "I'll never get this right.", "Why am I even trying? I end up failing anyway.", "I might as well never have done it in the first place." and so on. Wow, we humans are pretty great at criticizing people, most of all ourselves.

But it all comes down to your perception of your own self.

Let's take it from a perspective of knowing who we are as Christ's child. Our identity is in Him. We are His. We know we were made with a purpose, for a purpose. We know that He has called us to be His children, the head and not the tail! We know that in all things, the Spirit of excellence should reside because He has called us to whole-heartedness and glory. There is thankfulness, humbleness, brokenness in us. There is Love, and knowing that Love embraces us in open arms. We are not thrown to the side in this mad bungle of a jungle.

So when we compare, and realise that we come up short or that we could have done so much better instead- We know God doesn't condemn us (and so why do we condemn ourselves?). We know that if we had done things half-heartedly, that is not what God has called us to do, and so we take that as a lesson and do our best the next time. It's about learning and growing from mistakes, lessons, painful trips along the road; skinned knees are our lesson and the bandages are humility, allowing ourselves to be taught, and making a conscious decision to grow from it.

Or sometimes you've done what you could, but fell short anyway. There's always someone better in this world, isn't there? It's okay. You have to believe that. God is pleased with a heart that is willing and whole-hearted. He doesn't judge you by your results.

One thing about viewing ourselves thinking that we are not WORTH something - just that very perspective and thought blinds us to everything else. When our minds are clouded by self pity and worthlessness, it becomes difficult to allow whatever has happened to become a lesson and to teach us to become better. We're caught up in ourselves. We don't realise that... Second chances happen. One failure doesn't define you. Multiple failures don't define you. Successes don't define you either, come to think of that.

Sometimes we have a tendency to evaluate our life and define ourselves based on our successes or failures. When we succeed, life's good. We're doing pretty good. And when we don't, life sucks. We suck. If that's the case we'll spend our life never feeling secure about who we actually are. Will we even know who we are?

Everyone's just looking for themselves. Somewhere out there. "Who am I?". It's an endless journey.... Until you meet the One who made you.

Goodbye 2013

It's December. 12 months has gone by so fast, and I'm sitting here... Reflecting.

I am blown away by God's goodness.

In every single disappointment that has come my way this year, I look back and I see God's fingerprints over every single situation. He knew each of my sorrows, recorded my wanderings- He listed my tears in His scroll, collected them in His bottle. He saw every single tear shed. Each salty droplet that slid down my cheek, He took.

"Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?" -Psalm 56:8

There's no one more steadfast than Him.

When I placed my value in successes and failures, I spent my days walking on the route of a roller-coaster, and spent the nights sicking up a mix of insecurity, doubts, and the hounding fear of never reaching 'the mark'. The mark of what? Success? What defines success, anyway? I hardly even knew. I just didn't want to fall. But the nausea that came from eating the things of the world was starved away by partaking in the bread of life. The world and its things will pass away, but those who remain in His will abideth forever.

"And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever." -1 John 2:17

"You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways" Psalm 139:3

You are familiar with all my ways

and the Bible is the Word
and the Word is God
and God is Truth
and so that must be

Truth
that you are familiar with all my ways
and nit-pickings, and tastes, and days

so i can suppose that You;

know my favourite colours
the shirts i will pick out even before i do
know my favourite foods
and that carrots are not what i like
know my fingernails to the very core
deeper than what i bite

(the protein that is keratin
that is amino acids
that is carbon, and hydrogen, and nitrogen, and oxygen
and the touch of Majesty)

i suppose that You already know
the patterns that appear on my tongue
even before the papillae reform and move again
and that i am slightly colour-challenged
between the colours green and blue

You knew me before i was
and it pleased You to form me
and so i must believe that You are not surprised

by my failings and scrapings and crumpled emotions
because You knew what You were getting into
because You said i was worth it anyway

and You know all my ways

Let His Love and Glory Flood In (Breakers Will Crash)

Breakers will crash upon the shore
And sweep away the empty bottles littered on the sand


Empty bottles once filled with

Sweet words, kind touches, soft breaths

Alluring whispers, teasing murmurs, innocence's death


(evaporates
leaves behind emptiness
like all the promises once made)



Breakers will crash upon the shore
And with its tide displace shards of glass buried deep beneath, in between


Glass shattered by the blows of the world -

All that glitters is not gold

fall upon them, bleed upon them



Breakers will crash upon the shore
And blot away words written, soak through the papers, rinsing through the papercuts


Stained papers crumpled, torn

Shame writ; sorrow, misery

The pain of rejection stapled through the pages

Bound by plastic spirals of

the endless cycle of worthlessness



Swept away by the waves of His grace
There will be no other recycling
Than the exchange of our litter for His treasure
When His Love and His Glory floods in

"When it’s hardest to love, humble yourself." —James MacDonald

God answered my prayers, yet again, in ways I did not expect. This is the nature of God - that He is infinitely wise. Hence the way He answers our prayers are in His infinite wisdom, because He sees the entire picture when we do not, and He knows the best way to answer our prayers for the sake of our good and for the glory of His praise. We don't see what He sees, until He does it, and we look back and say, Oh. He was working for my good all this time, even when I did not make the best choices.

Recently, thoughts contrary to His nature has been amplified all the more in my life. It's as though a switch was flicked on and made me conscious of whenever I began going the path of Envy. Jealousy. Covetousness. Self-entitlement. Judgmentalism. Pride. This past week, I am troubled and, honestly, horrified at how much 'self' I have in me. How much I actually judge, even if they are just fleeting thoughts in my head. How much pride there actually is in me that I disregard. The awareness of the battle between holiness and fleshly self has been magnified so much more that I find myself asking, what's up with this, God?

And He reminded me. What have I been praying for?

I forgot my prayers, but He remembered. Now I recall, eyes shut, hands clasped, praying in earnest for humility and the stripping away of pride. I asked Him to remind me and make me aware of when I was being prideful.

God did exactly that. It's a reminder that although I forget my prayers, God hears every single prayer His children utter and He does not forget. He made me aware of the pride that was still in me. Made me realise that before He could make me humble, He had to awaken myself to my need for humility. A comparison between ego and true humility. And I am brought to the realisation that I am so much more in need of His grace. Truly, I am nothing without His cleansing blood. All that is good in me is because of who He is and His goodness in me.




I have such a long way to go on this journey. So much to learn. So much to experience. So much to understand.
It will be uncomfortable and painful at times, just as this last week has been. Many times, it will be worst. I will not understand. I will not be able to apprehend. I will be left with - my identity in Him. My refuge in Him. My shelter under His wings. I will be left with - trust in the hands of an infinitely wise God that will work all things out for my good & His glory.

Thoughts 05/10/2013

It really makes me sad when I see people looking down on themselves. When they feel like they aren't good enough to achieve things, or do better than where they are now. When they demean themselves and lower down their expectations of themselves. God created each and every child of His for a purpose and for great reasons. He loves us so, so much. My heart hurts when people live in fear and insecurity, for I was once also chained down and the weight of those burdens are horrifyingly, miserably, heavy. I am righteously angry for the hold Satan has on their lives. Satan always works through our fears. He always plays with our doubts and insecurities and expands them so that it dims out the truth of God. And most of the time, I feel helpless because all I can do is pray for those that I see hurting and living in deception. But I know that although my prayer is small, it is heard by the God who is great. I want to see the lives of my friends free from the lies of the enemy, free from fear, free from deception. I want to see them live in truth and freedom. My heart hurts for the hurting, and I know only God can set them free.

He's Your Absolute Only Hope

You have a hunger deep inside you for things you can’t quite seem to satisfy. The reason I know this is true about you is that it’s true about me as well. It’s true about everyone around you, even that person who seems like they have it all together. No matter who you are, you’re hungry, and no matter what you do to try and fill up, the hunger always comes back.

You’re hungry for acceptance. You’re hungry for worth. You’re hungry for love. You want to be wanted. You want to be special. You want people to miss you when you’re gone and you want the room to go crazy when you finally show up. You’re hungry for a life where your needs are met and things around you are stable, steady and peaceful. You want to know where that next meal is coming from and you don’t want to have to be afraid about that. There are so many things you’re hungry for and the problem is that no matter what you do to fill up, it only works for a little while before the hunger comes back.

Having great friends feels awesome and it seems to fill you up. Being in love is intoxicating and really seems to work to satisfy that hunger. Having lots of money or a great job feels good and kinda works. Getting the grades, making the team, winning the game, getting the guy or girl, accomplishing your dreams - these all feel so good and they feel like they work to fill us up and tell us who we are, but then something terrible happens.

We get hungry again. We don’t fill up as easily as before. We need more this time. Friends let you down, love grows cold, there’s a bad breakup, the economy crashes, you get fired, you get hurt, you fail a test, you lose a game, your dream dies. Who are you now? What do you do when you’re hungry? Where can you go? Your heart has a seemingly insatiable need to be filled with love and worth and so many other things. Where can you fill up forever?

Did you know that the miracle of Jesus feeding the five thousand is the only one that is recorded in all four of the Gospels? Matthew, Mark, Luke and John all tell us about different miracles, but this is the only one they all mention. It’s extremely important. It’s vital. There’s something going on here that we must understand. One really weird thing about this story is that even though all the Gospels talk about it, none of them explain exactly how Jesus multiplied that one little lunch to feed thousands. How did He do it? What did it look like?

That’s something we want to know, but they don’t tell us, and I think there’s a good reason for that. If they told us how Jesus did this, we would try to replicate it ourselves. We would try to repeat it, bottle it up and sell it, but we can’t. We can’t understand what Jesus did that day. We are all desperately hungry and we need to be filled, but we can’t do anything about it on our own. Only Jesus can fill us up and I can’t even tell you how He does it. The only thing I know is that He fills me up and I need to go to Him every time to get what I need. You can’t feed yourself and nothing you try to do will ever satisfy your hunger, but Jesus can miraculously and eternally give you what you really need.

{LeeYounger} / {Photo}