Sometimes I'm afraid of prayer. Why? Because it means coming before God, no hiding. No more facades. No more disguises. It's coming to Him, exposed, dirtied, humble. Many times I've tried to hide while praying. It feels like... Like I'm hiding behind a wall and peeking out from the corner, and shouting to God what I want Him to hear. But Him being so much bigger, He can easily see over the wall to view all of me, but its just me that's hiding ridiculously and uselessly. I might as well come to Him with all my guilt and doubts bared for Him to see since He knows it all anyway. The only thing holding me back from Him, is me.

Sometimes I get afraid while praying. Why? Because it means trusting in Him. It means giving up control of the things I think I have in control. When I pray, Lord, teach me to trust in You. That's when I get really cautious and scared. Because I'm telling God to teach me, and I have no idea whats gonna come next or what He's gonna do in my life. God is so unexpected and His ways are so, so different. I can bet that whatever will come up in my life will be things that I've never even dreamt of happening. That's just the way God works, because His ways and thoughts are so much higher. And that's scary because it means I'm giving up control of my life, of what will happen next, it means that I'm allowing God to have His way in my life, whatever that may be. Whatever that may be.

I get cautious whenever I open my mouth to pray because I know God will work when we allow Him to, and not in the ways we expect. Cautious to the point that.. Maybe I do feel some fear of what God can do in my life. I mean if He wanted to destroy my life as a way to bring me to finally trust in Him, He could easily do that. And in my mind I realise that this is a pretty skewed perception of God.

God is good. Do I ignore the hundreds of verses regarding God's love, faithfulness and goodness? His very act of love that sent His sinless Son to suffer and die for me? Perfect love casts out all fear. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Perhaps I've been living away from perfect love for too long that fear has started to creep in. My first prayer will be for God to bring me back to Perfect Love.

2015. Reflections.

God always pulls on my heartstrings and His Voice calls me Home each time. I just choose to close my heart and ears.

University has been intense. And time passes so fast. It's been more than 4 months I've been in this place, away from home. Learning how to navigate this concrete jungle, and coming to a realisation that concrete hearts live in concrete jungles. The greater the city, the more disconnected the heart. Everyone's looking out for themselves. Even me. It's selfish.

I'm coming to the end of my first semester. It'll be over by the beginning of February, then I'll be going back to my hometown for a month. Then 7 semesters more to go before graduation. It's crazy how fast time flies. It terrifies me.

The end of things are always a time of reflection for me. The end of 2014 has just passed, hasn't it? I began reflecting. To be honest I've stopped reflecting for a long time now because I knew deep inside that I wasn't satisfied with who I was and what I was. I pushed all questions and doubts about myself away from my head because I didn't want to face the fact that I wasn't happy with who I was. But the sudden realisation that time was passing way too fast and that I didn't want to wake up 5 years later burdened by the knowledge that I was still the same person I was 5 years ago, hit me like a ton of bricks. See, I don't believe in staying the same person. If you were the same person you were 5 years ago, doesn't that mean you haven't grown? Doesn't that mean that you've stopped trying to become better?

I faced the fact that I wasn't happy with myself at all. I didn't feel like I had grown much in the past 2 to 3 years. I was still the same person. Same thoughts, same heart, same stagnancy. I wasn't becoming better. I wasn't becoming worst either. I was just, stuck between two walls, walking back and forth, reading the same writings on the walls.

I'm tired of that. Tired of looking at the same walls. Tired of hearing the same voices echo back over and over again.

I'm turning 20 this year. I'll be a young adult this year. My physical age is growing but my soul isn't expanding to fill in those gaps. That's exactly what describes how I feel right now. That the years are stacking up but my heart is growing smaller. That makes me deeply, deeply unhappy. My heart aches, it is an enclosed pond where drought has dried up much of the water, and the water that remains has become stagnant. Hack away at the boundaries of this cracked and dusty pond, break through the caked up mud and mold me into new rivers and streams. I want to grow. That's my goal for 2015.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." James 1:17

As I laid on the stone paved ground and stared up at the sky peeping through the leaves, I couldn't help but be reminded how blessed I am by God. Every good thing in my life comes from Him, and it is beautiful.

Serene thoughts at a friends apartment place. Such a beautiful place!

I walked around old town with a few friends yesterday. Perhaps the second time I've ever done it since all the robbery stories are enough to put me off ever walking around there alone. Look at the slabs of margarine! It's actually a very lovely and traditional place. 

 

 All the textures and colours and smells. An interesting part of our walk was when we saw a handwritten sign saying "Klinik Voon" hanging above a door that opened to a pair of wooden stairs. The stairs lead up to an area which opened up to three rooms. The left room was the clinic consultation place, the centre had an extremely old sign saying "DANGER : X-RAY" hanging above it, and the room on the right was closed with a radioactive sign posted on it. All the signs and doors were practically vintage! It looked, frankly, pretty dodgy and scary.... It was as if we had just entered 1960's Malaysia.

We daringly  walked up silently and took a peep through the wooden stair railings to look into the consultation room. There was an old man sitting at a table near the window, reading the newspapers. A creaky fan blew wind towards him, indicated by the slight movement of the papers. There was a counter near the door which I suppose was where the nurse would sit behind and get prescribed medicines from the shelves attached to the wall (if there were a nurse there). Even the counters and chairs and tables and shelves were ancient looking! A stuffed, worn-out sofa sat near the table, looking as though it had seen better days. The only thing modern about that place were the medicine boxes, shiny and glossy in all their pharmaceutical glory.

To me, it was a treasure to see. I wish I had thought to take pictures!

 When I am distraught...

  

 Sort-of scrambled eggs with sort-of grilled tomatoes and herbs.

In Christ alone my hope is found,

He is my light, my strength, my song;

this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,

firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,

when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!

My Comforter, my All in All,

here in the love of Christ I stand.

29/06 Thoughts

A few thoughts occurred to me today. I believe many people don't believe in the realness of God because they've never pursued Him. They don't know Him because they've never tried to.

Sometimes we expect God to do everything for us. We say, "Oh, if God really loved me, if He really wanted me to know Him, if He wanted me to believe in Him, then He would....". Then He would come down in a crash of thunder and lightning, a loud voice booming from Heaven? Then He would part the clouds and before our eyes we would see a triple rainbow? Then He would literally, just literally, appear before our very eyes and tell us, show us, that He is real?

The thing is, God can do all those things. Why not? He has appeared to believers before their very eyes and He has spoken to so many of His people in an audible voice. Then why not Jesus just do that to all the unbelievers and make them believe He exists?

I also believe that it's because God is an ever-patient God with a love that is so abundant and everlasting and a grace that extends beyond all boundaries. It causes Him to want us to come to Him freely and willingly, instead of being 'forced' to believe that He exists.

Relationship is always a two-way thing. And God has done His part by sending His Son to die on the cross for us that we may come to Him freely. And God is always doing His part by constantly pursuing us and our hearts, sending so many opportunities for us to give our hearts to Him. He always extends His loving hands towards us for us to grasp.

It's us that don't do our parts in this relationship. It's us that don't respond, that don't run after His heart, that don't seek Him. It's us that ignores His outstretched arms in search of another saviour.

It's a conviction for me as well. How many times have I said to Him, "If You want me to know You so much, if You want me to love you with all I've got, then You should make me want to read the Bible. You should make me want to love You and desire You and seek You." Like a spoilt brat, crossing my arms and demanding that He give me what I want! And what relationship would that be without selfless sacrifice, pure love, and a willingness to give back all of me just as He has given me all of Him?

It's a revelation for me. That I am in a beautiful, intimate relationship with God my Saviour. And just as He always does His part, so I must do mine. By pursuing His heart and running towards Him. I want to capture His heart with all of my love and everything that I have. He is my Treasure.


"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded." James 4:8

".... Serve Him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek Him, he will be found by you..." 1 Chronicles 28:9

We push and we pull and drag and tug our desires towards us. Temporary desires that seem sweet at the moment... Until it leaves a bitter aftertaste. Or an ache in our stomachs. But usually - an ache in our hearts. We know what we want, and we want what we want, because what we want is easy. Desirable. Satisfying. Things of the world usually are. So we grasp with greedy hands, paying no heed to wisdom. Ignoring conviction. The small, soft voice asking... Is this right? My darling, walk in the light. Come away from danger. Humans have such hardness, it amazes me. Constantly amazes me at my very own foolhardiness. Hard-heartedness. Denial.

But Holy Spirit always knows, doesn't He? And Holy Spirit is so patient. So, so patient. God has never given up on me through my stubbornness, deceit, sin, lies, and pain.

All the countless second chances has left me breathless. He steals my heart away and gives me true life. He is, and truly, truly is - the Lover of my soul. Who else has seen the depths and darkness of my heart, my sin to its extremities, my abundant failures in every area.... And still. Loves. Me. Loves me in the very unchanging manner that He has had since the very beginning.

His Love never once wavered or faltered. It remained strong and steady. Ever my refuge.

The First

He is the first taste of cool water after hours of running a marathon
He is the first touch of rain after months of drought
He is the first sight of refreshing waters after an entire day of climbing up a humid, rocky mountain to reach the waterfall -
He is the first dip into cleansing rivers after falling and rolling about in mud and dirt.

He is the
first breath of our souls,
first moment our hearts find life,
(and oh, such abundant life it has found)
first cry of our spirit awakening.

He is the
last heartbeat we will ever have,
knowing we have run the race,
and done it well.

"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End." Revelation 22:13

Honesty

May I be honest with You? Yes. I may. I can. I should.
Can I be honest with myself? Therein lies the question.

I am -
Looking into a dirty mirror
Searching for my reflection
but only wiping away the grime
at the places I want to shine.

I am -
Looking into a shattered mirror
Searching for wholeness
but only considering the scattered pieces
containing the reflections I desire.

Separated blocks of what was once whole
I am
reluctant to piece the puzzle back together
uneasy about the bigger picture
in denial about the way the pieces have arranged themselves.

And I am
holding on to the pieces -
Hesitant of giving them to the One
in whom all things hold together.

"He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together."
{Colossians 1:17}