That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord, he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

Being Asian, or maybe even just being humans, we have this disease of comparison. Comparison between us and another person that we deem better than us, be it in terms of looks, riches/material wealth, intelligence, charisma or basically anything that we nitpick about ourselves. Comparison comes from looking at our own selves and not being satisfied, evaluating who we are and saying, why am I this way? Look at so-and-so, her beauty/his smartness/her wealth/his personal relations skills, look at me and see how drab I am. How dumb I am. How ugly I am. How useless I am at entering a club and saying whaddup I got a big block. Of cheese. (Anyone get that reference to the song? No....? Nevermind. I'm pretty used to the sound of crickets in the background whenever I attempt to crack a joke. That's why I'd rather cracks eggs. Kidding. There goes the cricket sounds again.)

Back to the point. Do we even realise how blessed we are? I'm assuming that if you're reading this, you come from at least a middle-class income family. We aren't poor. We aren't starving. We aren't struggling to live day by day. But we continue to look at the many trivial things that we aren't getting, and covet them.

An hour ago, I was sitting at my study desk and looking at all the things I have to study for my upcoming exam. And because I'm honest, I'll let you know that I was grouching and feeling frustrated over the fact that there are just some people who hardly even need to try in their studies, but still manage to crank out straight A's. Yeah, there are several in my class, and I was pretty upset because, you know, it just isn't fair. But then came the heavenly kick from above and like a cloud of angelic bricks dropping on my head, and it occurred to me - Why do I even have the gall to compare? Who am I to look at God's creations, and in the same way look at what God Himself has decided to do, and actually question it? How big is my understanding, how much importance do I actually have, that I am telling Him that His logic is screwed up and that other person doesn't deserve it yet I somehow do? And yeah, God flicked my forehead and reminded me that I've got so much to be thankful for. I've been blessed by Him in His special way.

We've all been blessed in one way or another, some with a greater measure of a certain kind of blessing, and some with less, but God always, always blesses. We're just too caught up in our ways of comparison. Lets put aside all our covetousness and take an honest look at our lives. And be grateful for the person we have been made as. Realise that every good thing we have is a blessing.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like the shifting shadows." (James 1:17)

I’ve been searching for something ethereal. Something beautiful. Something meaningful.

I want to see the stars in their eyes and map the constellations as I stare and trace stardust on their skin. To feel the echo of their thoughts, like a bell tolling; sounds filling the empty corridors of crumbling buildings and knocking on ancient rusted doors no one has stumbled upon. Or dared to open. Or thought of as treasure. To press my ears against their throat and sense the quiet passion rushing through their blood, hidden beneath skin, roaring wonders louder than thundering seas.

I want to run my fingers through and hold on to their quiet breaths and feel my soul connect in something so tangible; wrap the wisps of my being around their spine, the backbone of who they are. I want to be one with their understanding and fall in unison with the prickles of their skin, wind brushing over goosebumps, as they run like shadows across the tailcoats of the Universe.

I am searching -
Connection. Substance. Heart.

Like an ocean with its breakers calmly crashing upon the shore, I am searching for deeper depths.

I want to drown in their ocean.

Going into the 4th month

It's always that period after you get your exam results, where every single person you meet (that are aware you've just gotten your results) asks you, "So.... What are you planning to do now?" or "Where are you going to go study?" or "Applied for any scholarships yet?" or "Going to India like your brother?!". Okay, the last question I don't get that often, but when I do, they're mostly joking. I hope.

I'm doing my A Levels right now, or whatyoucallits Sixth Form/Year 12. What I can say is that the gap between high school and Year 12 is pretty big. Not exactly in terms of knowledge, but just generally the whole package. The way to study, the way to answer the exam questions, the way everything works. I mean, high school didn't prepare me for this (high school taught me how to memorise chunks of information and then regurgitate them out on paper again). It took me a while, but I got used to it. Also, I dropped Physics around the beginning of the 3rd month and took up Geography. I don't know exactly how wise I was to do it in terms of my future course options, all I knew was that I really didn't like Physics and I've wanted to take up Geography since the beginning but I didn't because, well, kiasu Chinese gotta take up all the science subjects! I'm happy with my subjects now, the feeling of not dreading to go to certain Physics classes is really liberating.

I didn't apply for any scholarships because I couldn't find any that was related to what I was interested in doing in the future. There were plenty for engineering but since I dropped Physics... Not really any option. It is a little worrisome (Okay... a lot worrisome) thinking about my future. What do I do, where do I go, how will I get there? It's times like this that I can't imagine what I would do without God. I was born a worrywart. Not the anxiety/panic-attacks kind of thing, but I worry and think about worst-case scenarios and how I'm gonna get through them. With Jesus, I can find real freedom and a security that I am in Him and He is in me. There's a plan set out in my life, I can hold His hand and trust in Him. This doesn't mean that I'm suddenly worry-free, but it's a constant surrendering I have to remind myself of.

Tania came back for a week with a little gift for me. What a sweetie.

I got a new desk as well, my old one was in really bad condition (I inherited it from my genius brother who apparently thought it was a good idea to use a penknife to cut paper on the desk without protecting the surface first!), it's really relieving to finally be able to write on a desk without having to place something underneath my paper. There's my schedule, I don't have classes during certain times which makes transport home a real pain, but I think God has answered my prayers about that which I'll share another time perhaps. I love my Fridays! Classes from 9am till 12pm, and I'm home bound! 

April has arrived really fast. This year is passing by so quickly, in a months time I'll have my first internals, and in another few months, my first set of A Level externals. It's rather terrifying, but when I think about how He's with me every step of the way, my perspective changes and now it's terrifyingly exciting. Hoping, praying, that April will be a month of learning new things, both educational and spiritual, and growing even more (hopefully not my waistband, been eating too much these few weeks).